Winston calendar celebrates his life

I just finished putting together a 2009 calendar with the best photos of Winston -- and some other cute dogs and cats in my life (including Sapphire).

I did my first pet-photo calendar last year as a Christmas gift to family and friends… and as a way to honor Winston as his health was failing last December. The calendar was a big hit with everyone, so I’m doing it again. This year I'm also making it available for sale online. Check out the ad below.

Working on the calendar helps me continue processing my grief over Winston’s death, and to celebrate his life and remember the many good times we shared. Giving the calendar to people is also a joyful, personal way to connect with my “dog friends.”

Almost everyone who sees it wants to make one of their own and asks how I did it. Follow the Zazzle.com links for more info.

All dogs and cats in this calendar are real pets, photographed with their real companions, in or near their real homes. See cute puppies and kittens, dogs of all shapes and sizes… Great Danes, Lab, Dachshund, Beagle mix and more. Made with love.

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Moving on...?

I was waiting until I "got over" my dog Winston's death before I did some stuff... then this week I realized that I will NEVER get over it. So I might as well live my life as best I can without Winston by my side.

It's been close to 10 months since he "moved on."

My dog came back from heaven

We took the new Great Dane pup to an outdoor coffee shop where we used to take Winston. They happened to have a street fair, so we walked through it, having lots of fun as people petted and marveled over our new Great Dane puppy.

We stopped to listen to a live singer-guitarist, and she launched into “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLaughlin -- the very song that I played over and over in Winston’s last weeks, while he was dying…!

I will remember you.
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by.
Weep not for the memories.

It brought tears to my eyes as I felt Winston with us. But I knew that he wanted me to have fun, not cry because I still miss him.

Grief goes on, and so will this blog

After my latest grief meltdown, I realized that this blog must continue -- for me and for others. For others because I keep getting comments and emails from readers who say that this blog is really helping them face the end of their own dog’s life. I know from experience that there are very few places online that address the death of a beloved pet. I am honored that Winston’s story has value for them.

And this blog must continue for me because I will always love Winston. Grieving his death will be a lifelong process. I will never forget him for as long as I live, and there will be times when I will want and need to write about it.

I believe that his spirit lives on and visits sometimes, and our relationship continues to grow until we meet again at the place that some call the Rainbow Bridge and others call Dog Heaven.

Grief for old dog blinds me to new pup

My grief over Winston’s death has been blinding me to my new pup’s needs. After the pet loss support group, I had a breakthrough. A few days after processing my built-up Winston grief, it dawned on me that maybe the new pup can’t see well out of one eye. It explains a lot of his behavior quirks.

The realization that the pup may be visually impaired had a heartwarming effect on me. I finally feel that he does need me. And I also feel that he may have many other qualities that I have not yet noticed, unexpected gifts that will enrich our lives.

Chuck is back!

Sweet Dane mix is ready for a good home

Chuck is available again -- under the name Shaka. He’s a sweet Dane mix in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep.

I almost adopted Chuck last spring. I came across a new listing for him a few days ago when I was looking for the Dane photo in my last post.

Chuck stole my heart last spring and I wrote a post about him called “Great Dane mix Chuck charms us.” But he’s five years old, and we thought that we wanted a young dog. Somebody else adopted Chuck, and we adopted a purebred Great Dane puppy. But I often thought back to sweet old Chuck, and wondered what might have been.

He’s listed as a Dane-Dalmatian mix, but I think he’s a Dane-Collie mix, with very soft lamb-like fur and a slender Collie snout. He’s only 83 pounds, quite a bit smaller than a purebred Dane. He’s already neutered and seems perfectly healthy.

I went to see him again over the weekend. (I must be crazy!) He was scared at first, but he became his friendly self again when an attendant took him out of his kennel to meet me. “He’s an escape artist,” the attendant said. He explained that he had been picked up three more times by L.A. Animal Services, and his new owners relinquished him because “they got tired of bailing him out.” Visiting Chuck somehow helped ease my grief over Winston.

I would like to make sure that Chuck finds a home, and is not euthanized -- which is a real possibility. He’s in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep. If you’re interested, his ID# is A0939560, and you can call (888) 452-7381 for info.

Purebred Danes surprise me at shelter

This is one of the Great Danes who cheered me up at the shelter

I had an amazing experience in the animal shelter right after the Pet Loss Support Group meeting. I walked among the cages, visiting the dogs. I went there many times in the months after Winston died, always hoping to find another Great Dane or Dane mix. Nothing.

But this time I turned the last corner, expecting to see more Pit Bulls, and there stood two gorgeous two-year-old purebred Great Danes! One was a Harlequin female, and her mate was a mantle male. They had been turned in by their owner.

I fell in love with them and spent a long time looking at them and talking to them. I tried to imagine my new pup full-grown and as big as they were. The staff said that the Danes were “too much dog” for the owner, and that the owner couldn’t afford to feed them anymore. I longed to adopt the pair of them, and couldn’t imagine how anybody could give them up. Yes, I know it’s irrational, when I had my own half-grown Dane pup at home that I was struggling to handle. But that was my true feeling, and it renewed my spirit. I returned home with a heart full of love for my new pup, and new resolve to love him for exactly who HE is.

I found out from the staff that both Danes were already reserved for new homes, so they are having a happy ending, too.

Pet Loss Support Group helps

I resolved to go back to the pet loss support group at the local Humane Society after my recent grief meltdown. I needed it, even though I had never met anyone there who was still grieving a dog who died eight months earlier as Winston did.

I take that back -- the therapist who leads the group is still grieving for a dog who died several years ago. The therapist welcomed me back with open arms.

This time I cried at the support group as much as I did when Winston first died in February. I told them that I had spent the first few months focusing on (reviewing, sometimes regretting) my euthanasia decision, but now I am mostly remembering how special Winston was, and appreciating his good qualities. But when the therapist asked about my current feelings on euthanasia, I found that I still struggle with that, too. “I did the best I could at the time,” I mumbled.

It was especially helpful to hear the experiences of another woman who had lost a dog who sounded a lot like Winston -- naturally well behaved and socially adept. Her new dog was hard to manage like my new dog. This seems to be a pattern, because I also heard it at the online pet loss chat group.

The woman had gotten her new dog several years before the old dog died, but it was the same struggle that I have -- comparing the dogs, wondering why the second couldn’t be as good as the first. However, she was much further along in the process, so she was able to say that we owners contribute to the problem by comparing the dogs instead of accepting the new dog as is, the way we did with the first dog. Another pattern is that the spouse bonds more quickly with the second, “imperfect” dog. Maybe Winston only seems perfect to me because he was so attached to me, but he didn’t obey my partner as much. The dog’s beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It frees me to look at the new pup with fresh eyes and fall in love with his quirks as I did with Winston when we first met.

My next post will tell about an amazing experience that I had right after I left the support group.

Grief hits 8 months after dog died

Winston at his prime in 1999, when he was 3 years old

I had a meltdown last week, crying uncontrollably because I missed my dog Winston so much, about 8 months after he died.

The crisis was triggered by my new puppy’s misbehavior on a walk. We were walking past the house where one of his favorite dog-friend’s lives. At least, I was walking past. The pup stopped and refused to keep going. He’s a Great Dane puppy and at five months old he’s already too big for me to force him against his will if he gets really stubborn. I tried every recommended training technique, but in the end I’m sorry to report that I lost my temper and yelled at him. Naturally it didn’t do any good, just scared him. Somehow I managed to pull hard enough to get him moving again.

When we got home I started crying: “I’ll never have a friend like Winston to walk with me!” I couldn’t help thinking of how much better Winston acted on walks. Winston never refused to keep walking, and always had a grateful, upbeat attitude. I had been trying not to compare my new dog to Winston, but a flood of emotions overwhelmed me. I had to admit to myself that I have not gotten over the grief of Winston’s death. I even considered returning the new pup to his breeder because I couldn’t handle him.

That night I ended up going to the online chat group at PetLoss.com. The people there are lifesavers! I get especially great support from the “wolves” there -- regular participants with “wolf” in their nicknames. They come to help others while they themselves are still hurting from the loss of a beloved animal.

I went online to the pet loss chat group without resting as I should. And I stayed online for much longer than my body could handle. I ended up getting sick with tonsillitis. But I needed a place to process the grief, and they saved me from dangerously intense grief.

Some especially useful ideas from that night:

• ABSOLUTELY MOST USEFUL IDEA: When Princeton acts up, think about how I would have handled it if Winston did the same thing.

• After they die, our old dog sends us the new dog that they know will need us or will help us smile or that will comfort us. (So Winston picked out the wild new pup for me!)

• I’m not dishonoring Winston by loving the new pup. The old dog may even choose a new pup who is extremely different just so we won’t feel guilty for loving the new one in the same way.

• Sometimes we just have to blow off steam when the new dogs drive us nuts and then go back fresh the next day.

• “Those tears you still find glistening in your eyes for Winston are but a reflection of the love you share with him. The love for this new boy will shine in your eyes one day, but it will never replace that love for Winston.”

• “Amazing thing about a heart is that it will expand to capture all the love it can. You can love your lost baby to bits and yet also love a new baby that needs you.”

It’s been hard for me to see that the new pup needs me. He’s much more self-sufficient and independent than Winston. In addition, his breeder has a lifetime guarantee that if we ever can’t take care of him, we must return him to the breeder and she will make sure that he has a good home for the rest of his life. This is certainly a great lifetime protection for the pup, but it kind of has the reverse effect on me, making me question myself and wonder whether the pup would be better off with somebody else.

When the new pup acts up, it really helps to think, “What if Winston did this?” For example, when I was leash-training Winston, I used a long (25-foot) leash at first. With the new pup, I had always used the 6-foot leash. Now I use the long leash sometimes with the new pup, and he’s much happier on our walks.

The grief didn’t end there. I’m writing a series of posts about other steps I took to handle my grief explosion.

Winston, I still miss you

I’ll always remember Winston like this

I couldn’t help thinking of my dear departed Great Dane mix Winston last week when I was lying next to my new Dane puppy in the hallway. Winston used to lie in that same spot. I really missed my old Winston. I wished I had spent more time just lying next to him and snuggling after he became paralyzed and incontinent, instead of wasting precious time and money on a fruitless search for a cure. I know so many things now that I didn’t know before my dog died.

These are things that I learned because Winston died: That every breath is precious. That for me, having a dog makes life worth living. That taking care of Winston in his last weeks was not preventing me from living my life -- it WAS my life, and after my dog was gone, there was nothing else that I wanted to do except get another dog. That there are support groups online and at the Humane Society to provide emotional support for people whose dogs are dying. That I am stronger than I knew.

I learned these things because my dog Winston died. I would have handled it differently if I knew then what I know now, but his death was the only way I could have learned these hard truths. They are Winston’s gift to me, and I believe that teaching me these truths was part of his life purpose.

I’ve also learned that his death would have been just as hard even if I had handled it differently. Everyone at the pet loss support group wishes they had made different choices, but those who did choose differently have just as many regrets. I know that Winston was ready to go, and that his spirit rejoiced when it was set free to soar to the stars.

As I was thinking all this, the wind blew through the trees -- a sound that used to terrify Winston until the day before he died, when he listened to the wind without fear for the first time. He seemed to sense that he could become the wind. Some music started playing from next door, and the lyrics seemed to echo from Winston to me, and back again. “I miss you, I love you…”

That day my new puppy and I bonded. After 2 months of seemingly endless bite-fights, we could finally lie down on the floor together and rest. I love my new puppy, and the personality differences between him and Winston help me appreciate Winston in new ways, too.

The new pup is a purebred who was raised like royalty. He had never set foot outside until he joined our family at 8 weeks old. He is comfortable in crates and on leashes. He retreats to another room to sleep when he is tired. He likes dogs better than most people, and assumes that humans will love him. He has never known want or neglect. He takes everything for granted -- sometimes to the point of seeming like a spoiled brat -- but on the other hand, he has no insecurities about his future. Of course, he is still a puppy, so he will grow in wisdom.

In contrast, Winston came to us as a one-year-old street dog who had been abandoned by previous owners. He loved people and tried to win over every person he met, almost always with great success. He always showed gratitude for his life with us. The flip side was that he never trusted completely that this was his forever home. He couldn’t bear to be alone, even if we were just in another room. He had phobias, including major fear of confinement. I still have emotional scars from seeing the terror and misery and sense of betrayal on his face the first time we put him in a kennel. His fears eased during his years with us, but his gratitude and eagerness to please remained.

There’s been an almost complete turnover in the dog population of our neighborhood. Almost all the dogs who filled Winston’s life with fun and adventure are dead and gone. Only three of his original buddies remain, and all of them are stiff, grouchy and grizzled with old age.

Winston’s best friend was a female Pit Bull who lived across the street. Now Winston and his Pit Bull buddy are both in Dog Heaven, but our new puppy just found a new dog friend living down the street -- a female Pit Bull, the same as Winston’s best friend. My spirits soared as I saw the two dogs chasing and wrestling each other, just like Winston used to do with his old best friend. I felt that their spirits rejoiced and raced with the two new friends, another Dane boy and Pit Bull girl. Life goes on.

Here is my letter to Winston today:

Winston, I will always love you. Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me so much. No other dog will ever be quite like you.

I wish you could meet our new puppy. I know that you would love him -- and teach him a few lessons in dog etiquette, too!

I will love other dogs in other ways, but no other dog can ever take your place in my heart. I will never forget the way you looked at me, grateful and eager to please -- until the very end.

A friend told me that dogs don’t live as long as humans because, if it were the other way around, dogs couldn’t bear the grief and loneliness. I know that in your case, that’s true. You and I are always together in spirit.

You have gone down a trail where I cannot yet follow, but someday our journey will come full circle. We are still connected, and our paths will cross again.

New Great Dane puppy is here

Our new Great Dane puppy is here! He is cuter than cute, and we love him so much! He’s also full of mischief. One of our nicknames for him is Baby T-Rex because he loves to open his mouth wide and chew with his sharp baby teeth.

We’re struggling with how to manage him in the house. We tried to puppy-proof before he arrived, but we had a lack of imagination. He gets into EVERYTHING whenever he is awake. Yesterday I started keeping him tied on the leash a lot in the house. He’s more respectful, but he’s learning to hate the leash and to pull hard, so I don’t think that works. Tonight I pulled out a screen from a window and will try using it to block him in the hallway when I’m in my home office. I know I could just put him in the crate in the bedroom, but it seems wrong for him to be lonely there and me to be lonely here. The Dane-size crate is too heavy to move. The pup just needs a safe place to chew his toys for a while and fall asleep, a place that doesn’t demand my constant supervision so I can get some writing work done.

He’s 2 months old and in the midst of the critical period for puppy socialization, which lasts until 4 months old. So I will cut back on blogging so I can spend more time interacting with my puppy. I will probably start a whole new blog about the new puppy. I’ll let this one stand in honor of Winston.

I will probably not link this blog with my new blog, so if you want to continue following my adventures with my dog, please email me and I will send you info on the new blog. My email address is: LynwoodAssoc at aol.com.

Thanks to all those who visited, commented and enjoyed this blog.

Deposit on Dane pup

The high school kid next door suggested that I search for puppies on PennySaver.com. He was right! A super-cute litter of Harlequin and Merle Great Danes had just been born and listed.

I started visiting their website every few days to watch as the pups got bigger. It tugged at my heart as the cutest Harlequins got sold one by one. I showed the site to Dillon, but she wasn’t interested. We were too focused on adopting an adult dog. She told me that she didn’t think she could handle a puppy.

That all changed after we tried working with a rescue group. The rules were picky and sometimes crazy. Like this one: We were required to bring an imprinted tag to our adoption appointment saying “Needs medication,” even though it wasn’t true. The purpose was to discourage others from keeping our dog if he got lost.

And -- the adoption fees were almost as high as buying a Great Dane puppy. I kept doing research and learned that most reputable breeders want you to return the Danes to them if you can’t keep them, so that they will never end up in a rescue group or shelter. That meant that the Danes at the rescue were likely to be from careless breeders.

Dillon’s objections to training a puppy melted away when I reminded her of the obvious: They’re a lot smaller than adult dogs.

We looked at my favorite breeder’s website again with growing excitement. We filled out the online adoption application. It seemed easy because we had already done answered these questions before at the Humane Society and the rescue. We clicked the “submit” button and within an hour the breeder called us.

We hit it off right away on the phone. We said that we wanted to choose our puppy based on personality: “We’re looking for a male Merle or Harlequin Great Dane who is friendly, loving, tuned into people, and has a gentle, submissive temperament. We look forward to welcoming a new “big boy” into our home and hearts!”

One pup fit the bill: A cuuuuute merle mantle male. I also liked the looks of one Harlequin pup, but he was the runt of the litter with very low energy. The breeder said that she had already gotten four calls about him that day. Dillon and I got off the phone to discuss our decision. It wasn’t hard: We decided to adopt the merle.

We called right back and sent our deposit!

Now we have to wait until our puppy is eight weeks old in late June. Then he’ll be old enough to leave his mom and littermates. Meanwhile, the breeder is sending us weekly updates with photos of how our puppy is progressing.

Kitty's favorite toy is Cat Dancer

Our cat Sapphire misses having a dog around the house. She’s dealing with the loss by spending a lot more time playing with her favorite toy: the Cat Dancer Original Action Cat Toy.

The cat dancer is a wire with bits of rolled up paper on the ends. It’s the simplest, cheapest cat toy -- but cats LOVE it. Many reviews at Amazon.com attest to its fascination for kitties.

The cat dancer was also the favorite toy of our previous cat, the venerable Ambush.

Sapphire plays with the cat dancer in the video above.

Colossal Dane-size dog crate

Midwest Metals Big Dog Crate

I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around the idea of a dog crate big enough for a new Great Dane puppy that we hope to get.

There’s one “Colossal” crate that’s big enough for a full-grown Dane. It’s 45 inches tall -- that’s almost 4 feet! The length is 54 inches -- almost five feet. It’s three feet wide.

I kept walking around our bedroom with a yardstick, trying to imagine this massive crate in our space. It blew my mind. I just could not imagine it.

Our previous Dane had curled up happily under a table by the bed, no problem. But he came to us when he was a year old -- housebroken and well past the chewing stage when a puppy can be a danger to himself.

They call it a crate, but it’s actually a CAGE made of wires. Dillon and I didn’t like the idea of a cage, even though it’s for the safely of the pup. When people said “crate,” I had visualized a plastic box with a wire door like our cat carrier. But the biggest of these plastic crates is only (!) three feet high. I read that a Dane can be 33 inches at the shoulder at just six months old.

The plastic crates look more comfortable for the dog. Who wants to lie against wires? And doggie “accidents” can spray right through the wires of the Colossal crate, while the plastic crate contains it.

We figured that we don’t need a crate big enough to hold our Dane when he’s full grown. We can keep him in the hallway if necessary, and we’d like him to have the run of the house.

Finally we called our favorite Great Dane breeder with our concerns. She said the 3-foot plastic crate is big enough if we just want to keep our puppy in a crate until he is housebroken and done teething. She estimated that to be age 4 to 6 months.

What a relief! These 3-foot-high crates are cheaper, easier to find, and will fit into the bedroom without rearranging ALL the furniture.

P.S. on Oct. 16, 2008

OK, OK, I was wrong and all of you whose comments told me to buy the colossal crate were right. We DID end up buying this exact same crate recently and it’s working well for our Dane puppy. He outgrew the three-foot-high crate about a month ago. He was almost 5 months old -- still in the midst of teething and not safe to have the run of the bedroom. Now at almost 6 months old, he likes this colossal crate better than the old plastic one -- not only because it’s bigger, but because it allows greater air circulation and he can see what what’s happening in the room around him.

It definitely was more work to set up than the plastic type of crate. I had to hire a handyman to help. He laughed when he read the instructions, which never call it a cage or even a crate, but instead refer to it as a “pet home.”

All jokes aside, my Great Dane puppy does seem to consider it a peaceful, relaxing home of his own.

Puppy’s personality can be tested

Now that we’re getting ready to buy a puppy, it’s important to be able to read a pup’s personality.

I was excited to hear about the Puppy Potential Evaluation -- a series of exercises that test a puppy’s personality, including confidence, submission/dominance, problem-solving, stress recovery, courage, prey drive, etc.

The most surprising quality tested is “forgiveness” -- seeing if the pup will still come when called after the tester has held it off the ground in a position of no control.

Hmm… I’m not sure if I would pass that test.

It would be useful to have simple tests like these in dealing with other humans. The Dating Potential Evaluation, maybe?

Dog group rescues Gentle Giants

Gentle Giants Rescue photo

We’ve been thinking about adopting a Great Dane from Gentle Giants Rescue and Adoption, a huge dog rescue operation in southern California.

They specialize in Giant breeds, especially Danes. In a surprising Hollywood twist, it’s run by Burt Ward, the actor who played Robin in the Batman TV series of the 1960s.

Their website features a delightful video that Dillon and I have watched many times. The best part is when “the herd” comes out to meet PBS reporter Huell Howser. He’s surrounded by dozens of huge, friendly dogs -- Danes, St. Bernards, Mastiffs, Great Pyranees, Newfoundlands, Borzois, in every shape and color. For me, it’s like an image of what heaven must be like. Click here to watch the video -- it’s a must-see.

Whenever I use Petfinder.com to look for Great Danes, almost all of the nearby ones are at Gentle Giants.

Some aspects of Gentle Giants are making us hesitate. Their fees are almost as high as buying a new Dane puppy. They have a lot more complicated rules than most dog adoption places and breeders.

There’s a whole big website called GentleGiantsNews.com that is “dedicated to discovering and exposing the truth about Gentle Giants Rescue.” Their testimonials from adopters are truly awful and the Wards sued them for defamation. I certainly don’t believe everything I read on the Net, but it does make me wonder why somebody set up such a site.

We might go check out Gentle Giants in person. Meeting “the herd” alone would be worth the trip. And we might find a new Gentle Giant to fill our hearts.

Hot kitty in the city

Our cat kept cool by sleeping belly-up during the record heat we’ve been having in Los Angeles...


From the contented look on her face, the method seems to work.

Healing vision: Two dogs

I had a breakthrough in healing my pet-loss grief. It seems like ever since my dog Winston died two and a half months ago, I have been overcome with longing for a new dog almost every night when I go to bed.

This time it was like I could feel a dog’s presence curled up beside the bed where Winston used to sleep. I tried to sense whether it was Winston or the new dog, the one that we hope to adopt soon.

Then the imaginary dog separated into two dogs. Winston stayed curled beside my bed, and the new dog moved outside and sat looking at me through the screen door.

For the first time I could separate my eagerness to get a new dog from my desire to be with my old dog Winston again. My overwhelming, insatiable longing for a dog became more manageable as I explored whether it was mostly about Winston or about the new dog. The most intense feelings were about Winston. But the new dog also evoked strong emotions.

I used to believe that the new dog would somehow be Winston in a new body. Now I feel that the new dog will be a stranger. And that’s OK. We will build a new relationship, have new adventures, and grow together in new ways.

I slept better with the image of the two dogs in my mind. For the first time since Winston died, I dreamed about dogs.

Great Dane mix Chuck charms us

Chuck, a cool Great Dane - Dalmatian mix

Dillon and I went to meet Chuck at the nearby city animal shelter just for fun recently. Chuck was billed as a “Great Dane/Dalmatian” mix -- and for once, the dog really did seem to be part Dane as promised. Although I thought he seemed more like a Harlequin Great Dane and Collie mix.

When I approached his kennel, Chuck stayed back in his doghouse until I called his name. He seemed pleasantly surprised by the enthusiasm in my voice and the fact that I had stopped just to see him. He came slowly to meet me with a sweet, gentle look in his eyes, very much like my dear departed Dane-Lab mix Winston. Chuck was very gentle, and not over-eager to get acquainted. After a few minutes, he offered me a small dog kiss through the fencing. Then he let me pet his ears. His fur was much softer than Winston’s! He felt like a lamb.

Chuck is 5 years old. Dillon wants to get a younger dog, so that we’ll have more healthy years together with our next dog. Chuck’s other downside is that he needs training. He didn’t even respond to “Sit!” Later I realized that he might have been trained in Spanish, since we live in a an area with many Spanish-speaking neighbors. I should have tried, “Sentado!”

It might not be easy to train a 90-pound older dog, but then again Chuck did seem eager to please. Perhaps the biggest drawback is that Dillon and I both have busy schedules this month, so we need to wait longer before bringing home a new dog. We want to see several Danes or Dane mixes before making a decision. Still, I really liked Chuck’s loving, gentle personality and his BIG presence.

I actually met the shelter worker who took the above photo of Chuck. He said he tried hard to take a good photo of Chuck because he’s such a good dog. I understand that somebody adopted him not long after our visit.

P.S. on Oct. 17, 2008
Chuck is available again -- under the name Shaka! He’s in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep. If you’re interested, his ID# is A0939560, and you can call (888) 452-7381 for info. I don’t think I can resist going back to see him.

Pet Loss support group eases the grief

I attended the Pet Loss Support group at our local Humane Society again this week. The group meets monthly and I was there once before (in March). All the people were different, but the stories and personality types were eerily similar. For example, both times there was a couple who had recently lost a pet in a violent tragedy.

The most valuable part for me this time was hearing all the different stories of how people handled their pet’s illness. I learned that no matter what approach was taken, the results were the same: The animal died and the owner(s) regretted how they handled the crisis, wondering if they should have made different choices.

In my case, I wondered if I should have tried harder to keep my dog alive when he was suffering. However, those who waited longer felt just as guilty, wondering if they had made their pet suffer needlessly by keeping them alive too long. I also wondered if I should have tried acupuncture or more pain medications. Those who used those methods were no happier with the results. The end is the same: The time comes when you must let your pet go.

The therapist pointed that reviewing (or agonizing over) our decisions is part of the grief process. It’s known as bargaining. Of course, I have heard about this before, but I understand more completely what is meant by “bargaining,” and how powerfully it can take over the mind and heart.

I’m a Postie now

I’m officially a Postie now -- a blogger who writes some posts for advertisers.

Don’t worry, I’ll still be posting the same good quality, original content about my dog and my cat. In fact, I’ll probably be posting MORE original content because there has to be at least one original post for every sponsored post.

I want to make money with my blog, so I signed up with payperpost. This is my first “sponsored post,” sponsored by PayPerPost.com.

Sponsored posts will be clearly labeled, so you’ll know that the content wasn’t purely my idea. I will try to relate all the content to dogs and cats, which looks like it will be a challenge since the “opportunities” offered to me at present relate to rap music, prepaid phone cards and computer games. Hey, my whole world seems to revolve around my dog and my cat, so now I can put that to good use.

I’m a professional journalist and author who has been paid to write for major publications in the past, so you might wonder why I’m choosing to be a mere Postie. The main reason is that I like the idea of getting paid to write from home on my own time schedule, without having to sell myself and my ideas to an editor. Another attraction is that I won’t have to talk on the phone at all. Phone calls tend to wear me out. I’m already blogging, so it should be easy to just add a few extra posts for some much-needed cash. I hope to make some new friends online in the “Postie community.”

I’ve actually been thinking about doing pay per post for a long time -- since I first read about it in the Los Angeles Times more than a year ago. “Blogging for dollars raises question of online ethics” ran in the LA Times on March 9, 2007. The article was critical of the practice, but I immediately thought getting paid to post was worth exploring. For an objective view, you can read about pay per post on Wikipedia.

It took me a long time to decide to leap into Postie world, but the sign-up process was easy. The money will help us pay for the various expenses associated with getting our new dog.

Video honors a truly Great Dane

I love this video memorial to a Harlequin Great Dane. I don’t personally know the people or dog involved, but still the video speaks to my heart and to the loss I feel over my dog Winston. He looked and acted a lot like Amira, the Dane in this video.

The video’s winter scene is one of my favorite parts. Living in LA, I never got to take Winston to snow country, but now I can picture him there… or romping in the white clouds of dog heaven.

The video includes Sarah McLaughlin’s haunting song, “I will remember you” and this famous poem (poet unknown):

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Amen to that!

Click here for more info on the poem.

Click here to visit the YouTube site for the video

I’ll ALWAYS be Winston’s mom

Happy Days with me and Winston, summer 2006

Today I really miss my Great Dane mix Winston, who died in mid-February.

I felt sad at the thought that I am no longer a dog owner or, as people sometimes called me, “Winston’s mom.”

Then it hit me: I will ALWAYS be Winston’s mom. He was my Big Boy for almost 11 years until his death. Nothing can take that away from me. I am Winston’s mom forever!

Then I looked back at my photos of Winston -- both the good times (pictured above) and his last days when he was very, very sick. It actually helped to look at both periods. In my mind, I had forgotten how sick Winston was at the end, and so I started blaming myself for not keeping him alive longer. But in the photos I saw that look in his eye, the look that said he was ready to go… It gave me a sense of peace that I almost never feel anymore, not since Winston died.

Winston, I miss you! I remember all the fun we had together! I will always be your mom!

Backyard breeders vs. reputable breeders

I enjoy looking for Great Dane puppies online.

It’s hard to find a top-notch reputable breeder with puppies available. (One of the criteria of “reputable” is that they don’t breed all the time, but let their females rest between litters.) We’re going to go to an American Kennel Club (AKC)-approved dog show to try to meet some reputable Dane breeders.

Meanwhile, I do enjoy looking at the Dane puppies for sale now in my area through PennySaver.com. Some of these seem to come from “backyard breeders,” but they sure are cute!

In addition to breeding less frequently, the reputable breeders do various medical tests to screen against medical problems such as hip dysplasia. After Winston’s experience with hip dysplasia, I’m all for that! They also show their dogs regularly in competition, raise the puppies in a home environment, and do a lot of research to balance the pedigrees of father and mother dogs before mating. Reputable breeders take a lifetime interest in their dogs and will help with any problems that ever arise.

The opposite is the “backyard breeder.” There’s a lot of material on the web attacking the backyard breeders. Click here for an example. I can’t tell how much of it is exaggerated accusations from the “reputable” breeders. To hear them tell it, the backyard breeders mate their Danes carelessly and often with whatever Dane happens to be nearby -- even if they aren’t AKC registered -- causing untold health damage to the resulting pups.

Is it really that dangerous to breed outside the AKC-approved box? I don’t know. When I was growing up, we got a poodle from a backyard breeder, and she was fine. But that was in the Seventies, many doggie generations ago.

I feel a bit intimidated by the reputable breeders with all their rules. When Dillon and I met some Dane breeders at a dog show years ago, they were horrified by the very existence of our dog Winston -- living proof that a Harlequin Great Dane had been allowed to mate with a Labrador Retriever! However, his disreputable pedigree didn’t prevent him from being a fantastic companion. Perhaps a mixed breed has a better chance at good health than a careless mating of two purebred.

One thing’s for certain: There sure is a big price difference for the puppies, with “backyard breeders” may offer Dane pups for about $500, while some “reputable” ones may charge $1,200 and sometimes $4,000 for a dog with “show quality” coloring.

Cesar's DVD tells how to get a new dog

Dog expert Cesar Millan’s new video “Your New Dog: First Day And Beyond” looks great! I want to get it for advice in my search for our next dog.

It’s the third volume in his “Mastering Leadership” series. It follows three families who adopt a dog from a rescue group, a shelter and a breeder. I’m still considering all these options, so his expert guidance is most welcome.

You can see a video preview at Cesar Millan’s website.

I first heard about it from a neighbor with a new dog. She recommended it highly.

Calling all Danes!

Chuck, a cool Great Dane - Dalmatian mix

Every day I search for Great Danes on Petfinder.com.

It’s a fantastic website for locating specific breeds available from nearby pet adoption groups. As I write this, they have 253,486 adoptable pets from 11,300 groups all over the U.S., Canada and Mexico.

There are usually about 25 Great Danes or Great Dane mixes in my area. Many look like they really are Danes, too -- not Pit Bulls who were labeled Danes by overzealous people trying to find them a home.

As I watch the ever-changing array of dogs, I wonder where they came from and where they are going. The time hasn’t come for me to meet my own special Dane yet, but I enjoy looking online at all these big dogs and wondering about their stories.

Above is Chuck, one of my current favorites from afar. He's billed as a Dane-Dalmatian mix. I’d like to help this big boy find a home. Click here for more info on Chuck and how to adopt him.

P.S. on Oct. 17, 2008:
Chuck is available again -- under the name Shaka. He was adopted back in April but now he’s in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep. If you’re interested, his ID# is A0939560, and you can call (888) 452-7381 for info.

Yawning dog

Here's one of my favorite photos. I caught my Labrador Retriever Eleanor in the act of yawning.

A strange twist of fate - dog custody battle

Our journey with Eleanor the black Labrador Retriever took a strange twist when her original owners returned from overseas and wanted her back very much, blaming their pet sitter for letting her escape while they were gone, and blaming the Humane Society for mishandling it when they first reported the dog missing. The Humane Society called us 8 days after the adoption and asked if we would return the dog.

We were the legal owners, but we thought that returning Eleanor was the right thing for the dog and for us. Now she is home with the family that had her since she was a puppy.

We’re going to take more time to get over losing Winston. Then we’ll look for a Great Dane -- one whose ownership is not in question. I hope to introduce our new Dane pup online later this year. Meanwhile, I’ll keep writing about the search for the New Dog.

The video above was made the day before we returned Eleanor, fondly known as Ella.

We feel grateful that a twist of fate brought Eleanor into our home to light up our lives for 10 unforgettable days.

Labrador dog plays fetch

Here's a video of our Labrador Retriever Eleanor playing fetch.

Tennis ball connoisseur

My black Lab Eleanor is a great connoisseur of tennis balls. She loves to play fetch, but not just with any old ball.

She easily crushed the red Milk-Bone “toss and fetch” doggie balls that LOOK like tennis balls, but obviously aren’t as tough as the real thing.

It’s a good thing that my mom sent us some real tennis balls!

Dog bonding

Here's a photo of my new black Lab Eleanor kissing me shortly after we brought her home from the humane society. There have been many dog kisses since then!

We adopted a new dog!

Eleanor on her first day with us

Big news: We adopted a new dog! She’s a black Labrador Retriever and we named her Eleanor, or Ella for short.

She’s a friendly, intelligent, calm dog whose expression glows with a steady stream of love. She was a stray picked up by the Humane Society. She’s a wise old lady at age 9, based on the Humane Society estimate of her age. Her muzzle is starting to go grey, but she still seems full of life compared to what I’m used to with Winston. The vet thought she might be 6 years old and a purebred Lab. She weighs 77 pounds, exactly 2/3 of Winston’s peak weight of 115. She’s 23 inches tall at the shoulder, which is 6 inches shorter than Winston was.

Eleanor already knows all the basic commands, and is very obedient -- except about leaving the cat alone. The biggest challenge will be teaching her to get along with the kitty, but we’ve done it before. Eleanor goes nuts when she sees the cat, but Sapphire stays calm and actually seems glad to have a dog around again, as long as we enforce the rules against cat-chasing.

Above is a photo of Eleanor on her first day with us, which was Wednesday, April 2. Since then I’ve been so busy getting her settled (and working on taxes) that it’s my first chance to post the good news.

P.S. Perhaps I spoke too soon about the “very obedient” part. While I was typing this, she went into the bathroom and pulled the trash out of our waste basket!

Waiting list for a dog

We’re on the waiting list for a dog! She’s a friendly, intelligent, calm black Labrador Retriever whose expression glows with a steady stream of love. She’s a wise old lady at age 9. Her muzzle is starting to go grey, but she still seems full of life compared to what I’m used to with Winston.

She was a stray picked up by the humane society, and if nobody claims her in four days, we’re at the top of the waiting list to adopt her.

Dillon and I went to our pre-adoption interview, and the counselor quickly matched us up with the Lab. We were drawn to the loving look on her face as she wagged her tail and gently kissed us through the fence. We were especially impressed at how she watched each person who walked by, paying special attention to the staff people. She had obviously identified the staff, even though she had been there less than a day. She was far and away the best dog there for us.

People kept telling me that when I found the right dog, I would “know.” I doubted this, since I’ve been looking at hundreds of dogs in local shelters lately, and never felt that kind of connection. But today I did.

Well, we had imagined getting a male dog, and also a younger one. However, I did ask Winston’s spirit to help us find the right dog. I should have known that he would choose a black female. That was definitely his favorite “type” throughout his whole life.

I think that an older dog will be easier for me to handle with my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I feel a sense of peace about choosing this loving Lab.

We do know that it still may not work out. Later in the day I applied at a Labrador Retriever rescue group, too.

Cat predicts 2008 election

Tired of election polls? Ask the cat: Who will be elected U.S. president in 2008?

Of course, she may not be any more definite than all the pollsters.

Pit Bulls everywhere!

I signed up for an email service that was supposed to notify me if any Great Danes showed up at the L.A. city and county animal shelters. Today I got my first email. I opened it with happy anticipation, only to find that the email listed “Great Dane (and similar breed).” Translation: Pit Bulls!

The email listed about 200 pit bulls! Among them were two Great Dane mixes -- both Danes mixed with -- you guessed it -- pit bulls.

Above is a photo of one of the Dane-Pit Bull mixes available for adoption. She looks a lot more like a pit bull than a Dane to me! But I do hope she finds a home. Click here for more info on adopting this dog. Her name is Sahara.

We were cleaning out a closet and found a lost photo of Winston -- a happy surprise.

Dillon and I are still missing Winston a lot. We want to get another dog again soon, and I'm getting closer to being ready. I go to the nearby animal shelter sometimes, just so I can be around dogs. I felt very drawn to the old, sick ones, an odd attraction that I never felt until after Winston died. But this week I felt most connected to the friendliest dogs, and I think it's a sign of healing.

“Hi, Cute!”

My mother was looking through an old photo album last weekend. “Cute!” she exclaimed when she saw a picture of me as a little girl

Suddenly our cat Sapphire went running over to her. We were all mystified. Nobody knew why she zoomed over to my mom.

Then I remembered that I often call the cat “Cutie.” Sometimes I even greet her by saying, “Hey, cute kitty” or even “Hey, Cute!”

Now her attitude seems to be that her name is Cute. She really is the embodiment of Cute.

When we first adopted her in 2000, she came with a litter of unbelievably cute kittens, pictured above.

I thought that this CUTE photo would be appropriate to post on Easter, the season of hope, springtime and new life.

Great Dane hunt

I woke up and found two panicky messages on my answer machine: A Great Dane mix needed a home!

The dog’s owner had gone into drug rehab and a friend was desperately trying to find someone to adopt the dog. My vet had referred them to me.

Dillon and I got sucked into this drama. Our longing for a Great Dane mix like Winston overcame all our misgivings -- even after the man on the phone described the dog as equal parts Pit Bull, Boxer and Great Dane. He also warned us that the dog had been abused. We drove over to meet the dog that afternoon. At least it wasn’t far.

When we got near the dog’s temporary home, we saw a sign marked “Winston Street” with an arrow pointing the other way. It proved to be an omen.

There was nothing wrong with the dog, except that he was nothing like what we expected or wanted. He looked like a regular Pit Bull and Boxer mix to me, without an ounce of Great Dane. He was much smaller than Winston. What really bothered me is that he wouldn’t look at people and paid no attention to us. After giving him a short ride in the car, we dropped him off with our best wishes that he find a good home -- with somebody else.

It wasn’t a waste of time because it helped us figure out more about the process of getting a dog and the clarity we need to have. But it made me realize how vulnerable I am to choosing the wrong dog because I want a dog back in my life so badly. I suppose this is how people end up dating the wrong person “on the rebound” after a split-up.

And I am haunted by the way that Pit Bull mix wouldn’t look at us. From the moment we met, Winston did everything in his power to read and charm human beings, all human beings. Maybe that trait is rarer than I thought.

The whole incident reminded me again of how special it was that Winston came out of nowhere and adopted us. He was a stray who found us, like an angel sent from heaven. I still miss him so much. It’s hard to let go of searching for a dog that looks like Winston, or that somehow IS Winston.

I’m trying to focus on attracting the right new dog to me. Not reacting or searching, but knowing what I want -- a very friendly, loving dog -- and finding it.

I think it will help to go to a rescue organization where the counselors can steer me toward appropriate dogs based on their knowledge of many dogs and discussion with me and Dillon.

Flowers for Winston

I got a lovely surprise today when I looked outside at the spot in our lawn where Winston used to lay down and rest before he died. Three flowers are blooming there!

After he died last month that special patch of grass turned brown from constant drip of his urinary incontinence.

Now the grass is green again, and it’s the one place where flowers are blooming. Three golden dandelions stand out again the lawn. I see it as a tribute to Winston.

I’ve written stories about Winston’s adventures ever since we first adopted him. I thought that “The Story of Winston” would end when he died. But I find that it goes on.

Harlequin Great Dane has his day in the sun

My Harlequin Great Dane mix Winston lay down in the sun on a happy day in late summer last year. I love remembering this happy day with my Big Boy.

Harlequin Great Dane in alligator pose

Sometimes our Harlequin Great Dane mix got into a position that we call “alligator pose.” He's flattened out like a gator.

I uploaded lots of Winston videos today. If you’d like to see them, click here to visit my YouTube video page.

Visiting the Pet Loss Support Group

Dillon and I went to a Pet Loss Support Group recently at our local humane society. We showed a calendar that I made with photos of Winston. The photos inspired the therapist leading the group to exclaim, “He’s your child!” I was surprised, but then again the photos did show all the love that we lavished on Winston, including taking him to see Santa Claus one Christmas. It hurt to think of my deceased dog as my child, but it did express the intensity of the loss.

Ten people were at the support group, all grieving their dead dogs and cats. Hearing their stories helped me and Dillon feel that we are not so alone, that others have experienced such loss. We all sat in a circle. Both Dillon and I sensed (or imagined) that each pet was sitting behind its owner in a larger outer circle.

For me it was especially useful to hear the other side of various issues. For example, some people kept torturing themselves by wondering they had resorted to euthanasia too soon, while others felt anguish because they had waited “too long” for euthanasia, making their pets suffer just because the owner wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It’s a no-win situation.

I also kept thinking that we could have eased our grief if we had adopted a second dog a few years ago. Then at least we would not be completely dog-less now, left alone without any canine companionship or protection. However, people with multiple dogs were still in tears, missing their particular dogs.

Some people pointed out that Dillon and I are lucky to have each other as we grieve. Most of those present were single or splitting up. It felt good to count my blessings, which are many. As they pointed out, we also still have our cat. Sapphire seems to be missing Winston, too.

Everyone had a different story as they told the circumstances of their pet’s death. It put an end to my thoughts that getting a dog without hip dysplasia might make the end easier. No matter what the cause of death, the dying process was hard. I actually found myself feeling fortunate over Winston’s relatively peaceful passing. One couple described how their dog was fatally injured in a gruesome dog mauling attack.

Toward the end, the therapist brought up getting another dog. Nobody was ready yet, and we heard stories about the difficulty bonding with a dog adopted too soon after a beloved dog died. However, Dillon and I do want to adopt another dog someday, and we were perhaps more ready than some.

The therapist concluded by reminding us that, no matter what, when all was said and done, we all loved our pets. It was the right thing to say.

Afterward many of us strolled through the kennels where dogs were available for adoption. Among them was Super Pup, the Beagle puppy that I had thought I wanted to adopt. I had gone crazy with desire for that pup a few days earlier when I found her on the Internet, but all it took was one glance to see that she was not the right dog for us.

“She’s so SMALL,” Dillon exclaimed in horror, as if smallness was a terrible deformity.

Yes, we do like big boys. We’re trying to keep open minds and open hearts about what kind of dog to adopt next. When we are ready, I trust that the right one will join our pack.

Dog kisses

Here's a new favorite photo of Winston kissing me.

Dog Heaven

Dillon and I picked up Winston’s ashes last week. It was a sad occasion, but not without its bright spots.

A dog was in the vet's waiting room at the desk where we got the ashes: a Dalmatian puppy, a spotted dog like Winston.

One of the receptionists handed me the box of ashes. It looked an awful lot like a plain ordinary cardboard box. It just didn’t seem like my Winston at all. “Are you sure it’s him?” I asked.

She assured me that it was and pointed out a small label with his name -- and mine.

When we got home, Dillon carried the box in the door. “Winston’s back home,” she announced with a touch of happiness.

Surprisingly, it DID feel a bit like Winston was back. We opened the box and were amazed to find a beautiful brown suede box, wonderfully loved to the touch. The material looked and felt just like my late father’s favorite brown suede jacket. Inside the suede box was a canister with a label: “In loving memory: Winston.”

The box of ashes was 6 or 7 inches square and heavy, weighing four to five pounds. After we admired the box and reminisced for a while, Dillon got ready to leave. As she was going out the door, I noticed a box that arrived that day from Amazon. I thought it contained a laundry bag that I ordered, so I asked Dillon to open it before she left.

To our complete amazement, it was a book called Dog Heaven! This unexpected gift was sent by our vet, Dr. Beasley. Her note said, “In memory of Winston, a great dog whose life was filled with love.” The timing so perfect it could not have been humanly planned.

Dillon and I sat down immediately and read the book. It’s a children’s book with colorful illustrations for preschoolers, but it’s suitable for adults coping with the loss of a dog, too. We easily read it in one sitting. The text and illustrations by Cynthia Rylant describe how dogs in heaven enjoy running free, eating endless dog biscuits, sleeping on clouds and occasional return visits with angels. Sometimes we had to stop to weep.

I've been reading the book to myself at bedtime, when I tend to miss Winston a lot. It helps me fall asleep with sweet thoughts of my Winston in Dog Heaven.

No more dog bed

Today we gave the last of Winston’s dog food and dog biscuits to our housekeeper for her family’s dogs. We finished washing the pillowcases for his doggie bed and put them away in a closet. I had to fight back tears when we put away his pillows.

But it will be a happy day when we get them out again for a new dog.

Feeling sad after putting away Winston’s things, I lay down to take a nap. Then my kitty curled up under my arm to comfort me for more than an hour -- something she has only done once before, the night Winston died.

Meeting my dog on the Rainbow Bridge

A beautiful website that is helping me handle the grief of Winston’s death is PetLoss.com. They have an unbelievably great description of what happens to pets after death. The Rainbow Bridge Story tells how we will meet our pets again at the "Rainbow Bridge" on the way to heaven.

There’s also a great video of the "Rainbow Bridge.”

The authorship of the Rainbow Bridge is unknown. Apparently three different authors perceived and wrote the same story.

Now he can touch the stars

A catalog arrived recently with dog memorial products. I didn’t even order it.

My favorite item is a silver-dipped memorial coin with this message:

“I will always live within your heart
And now I can touch the stars and moon.
Celebrate my life with yours.”

It really touched me because at the end Winston was dragging his butt so much, and he seemed so depressed at not being able to run and “go-go-go” like he used to do. It helps to think that he’s now able to go farther than he ever could even as a puppy. Now he can touch the stars.

On the other side is a picture of a bone with a heart and a star.

The catalog is called “In the Company of Dogs.” I did some online research and found out that the quote is attributed to Sara Bethell.

Remembering the good times

Life since Winston died is sad and lonely beyond words. Dillon and I keep watching this old video of him over and over. It shows Winston running and playing in his prime back in 2006.

In Loving Memory

Winston

July 4, 1996 - Feb. 15, 2008

10 ways pets help our health

I found this beautiful list of 10 health reasons why pets are great for seniors. Although I’m not a senior, these apply to me, too!

I especially can relate to “easier to make friends” and “pets are friends,” as well as the concept that the pet leads you to become more active. Three cheers for pets!

Old Dog Winston

Here is my favorite recent photo of Winston. I think he looks wise and gentle as only an old dog can.

It reminds me of a lovely quote that I discovered on a site called the Senior Dogs Project:
“Blessed is the person who has earned the love of an old dog.”
- Sydney Jeanne Seward

Winston’s health is continuing to decline and we are trying various solutions. One that’s working out pretty well is creating new beds for him out of plastic tarps covered with newspapers in his favorite areas.

But today for the first time I sensed that he is withdrawing from the world. It’s too hard to post more details.

A spirit-dog cares for Winston

Last night we made Winston sleep in the bathroom on a yoga mat covered with newspapers to soak up his urine.

When I woke up in the morning I felt something I’ve never felt before: Relief that Winston wasn’t with me. I didn’t have to worry about where he was peeing or hear his endless, anxious licking. I had reached a new place in my journey with Winston. I lingered in bed, enjoying the respite.

Then Dillon’s alarm went off, and Winston started whimpering. I opened the bathroom door and we had a happy reunion among the soaked newspapers. It smelled like a whole kennel full of dogs.

I got some fresh newspapers and petted him as we lay together on the living room floor. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought of the song “The Rose.”

Later (10 pm)
People kept telling me to consider my dog’s quality of life in deciding whether the time for euthanasia had come. I kept thinking Winston’s quality of life was still good. Until today, when for the first time I could really see a problem.

It struck me when Dillon and I shut Winston in the bathroom and left to go on a walk in the park without him. Normally we would have taken him with us, but it’s impossible for him to go for a walk outside now. I missed Winston and felt sad thinking of him shut alone in the bathroom, lying in his own urine.

One thought helped me: I imagined/prayed that Winston was not really alone, but that a spirit dog was with him. Dillon and I always believed that a spirit dog had guided Winston to us originally. Now that spirit dog has come to guide Winston again.

When we got home, Winston seemed to be at peace. He was glad to see us, but it didn’t seem like he had missed us too much. Instead, he appeared to be refreshed by his afternoon nap in the bathroom.

Doggie diapers, part 2

Here's Winston in his new denim diaper
(Usually he smiles for the camera, but in this case he refused)

Winston’s dog diaper was soon soaked, even with frequent changing of the inner pad. He smelled worse than ever and had a bad case of diaper rash. I took off the diaper for laundering and resumed the routine of slipping newspapers under him wherever he lay down. Soon he got the idea and started deliberately laying down on the newspaper sometimes -- hallelujah!

The diaper routine seemed impossible, so I checked the Internet and learned from a handicapped pets website that there is a secret to reducing the volume of urine collected in the diaper. It’s called “expressing a dog’s bladder.” In other words, manually pushing on a dog’s abdomen to make the dog urinate. The human does the work instead of the dog’s bladder muscles. The site described people doing it successfully on dogs up to 85 pounds. I tried with a small amount of success (possibly a coincidence). Then Dillon and I tried together and got nothing. I’m not sure if we can make this work, but it seems like a good idea and Winston loved the hands-on contact.

Extra-large dog diapers

Winston has completely lost control over his bladder. He drips urine almost constantly, then looks ashamed and tries to lick it up. Dillon and I were at our wit’s end after trying to put newspapers under him to absorb his pee every time he changed position. My muscles ached and I got in touch with the anger stage of the grief process.

We knew that we could not go on like that. With heavy hearts, we called Dr. Beasley to discuss our options, including euthanasia.

She was sorry to hear that Winston could no longer walk or control his urination, and amazed to hear that he was otherwise cheerful and healthy. “Usually something else is bad. It’s unusual when it’s just the legs,” she said.

I don’t even know how we managed to bring up the topic of euthanasia.

“I’d hate to euthanize a dog just for incontinence,” she said. “If he was my dog, I’d put him in a cart and in a dog diaper for a while. But he’s not my dog…”

Dog diapers?

But did Dr. Beasley actually know anyone who had done this with a 100-pound dog like Winston?

Well, no. But she did know people who had done it for their 80-pound pit bull. The dog pulled himself around on his front legs and they kept him alive for three more years. “Of course, there’s a big difference between 80 pounds and 100 pounds,” she admitted.

Well, Dillon and I decided that dog diapers were worth a try.

I called the local pet store and found out that they do make extra-large dog diapers that are big enough for Winston. The fact that they existed was encouraging. Dillon and I drove over and bought the “male diaper wrap garment” and some diaper pads.

Winston surprised me by welcoming this new device. He didn’t try to get out of his diaper. Instead, he seemed relieved to not be soiling the house anymore. He still looked pretty sharp in his navy-blue denim wrap, too.

The wrap fits well, but the pads seem to be designed for 10-pound dogs. They are way, way too small for Winston’s needs. We’re having to load his wrap with wads of towels. I’ll be looking into diapers and pads designed for adult human incontinence.

Sometimes it seems extreme and eccentric to go to such lengths to care for a dog, to give a dog the type of elder care that is usually reserved for humans. But then I think about who helped me and Dillon when I was mostly housebound. People knew, but rarely visited or offered help. My family did what they could, but they live too far away to come more than once or twice a year. We got the best help from paid assistants -- and Winston, who was far more humane than most humans.

Dealing with Winston’s health challenges is very draining, and sometimes I don't know how much of myself to keep giving. Exiling him to the yard for incontinence would probably be worse than death for Winston. His only wish is to be near us.

The inner pup

We got a “Body Vibe” machine for my health this week. Standing on vibrating plate is supposed to strengthen and heal me. I’ve been using one at my doctor’s office for a few years with good results, so I decided to buy a home model.

The doctor predicted that it could help Winston, too! “He won’t like it, but put his paws on the Body Vibe for about 10 minutes a day.”

Dillon and I were doubtful, but gave it a try. To our amazement, Winston DID like getting his paws vibrated. Soon he was holding his front paws on the machine of his own accord, and stretching in contentment. After the first treatment, his face lit up with bright eyes and a youthful expression.

“It’s like he got in touch with his inner child-- I mean, his inner pup!” Dillon declared.

True tales from life with an incontinent Dane

Dillon and I got in a fight early this morning over how to get Winston across our patio without scraping his knees and thighs against the cement. Our goal was to get him to the grass to poop. It took a path patched together from yoga mats and cardboard. We motivated Winston to drag his butt across it by putting his breakfast on a chaise longue out on the grass.

It all had to be done quickly as soon as we got up, before Winston pooped in the house. This method worked, but left me and Dillon frazzled.

I asked Dillon to rearrange the yoga mats for Winston’s return trip, then I was dissatisfied and redid it again myself. She was outraged.

“I’m never going to ask you what to do any more,” she snapped. “I’m just going to do it myself!”

“Fine! You two just stay out here.” I went back inside and hurried into the bathroom. Winston wasn’t the only one who needed to pee.

Within less than a minute, Dillon was yelling at me again. “Lynnie, should I bring Winston back in the house? What should I do?”

After that I called in a subscription to the daily LA Times today so we would have a constant supply of newspapers to clean up after Winston’s messes in the house. Hey, I might actually enjoy reading it, too!

All he really wants

My old dog Winston has a lot of trouble getting around, but he drags himself from room to room following me and/or Dillon wherever we go. It’s so sweet. All he really wants in life is to be with us.

"That's ten and a half good years"

2 p.m.
Jose the vet tech seemed somber after he gave Winston his Adequan injection today. He only has one more injection left in this series of 8. The mailman came to the door and Winston dragged his butt across the floor to bark at him.

As Jose watched, and his usual optimism faded. “How long have you had Winston?”

“Ten and a half years.”

“That’s ten and a half good years,” he affirmed. “You have to realize that he’s getting older, and there’s only so much you can do for him.”

Yes. There’s really nothing more to say after that.

Another person who watched Winston skeptically today was our new housekeeper, who happened to be cleaning the house next door when I took him out in our backyard this morning. She came out and asked if Winston would ever get better.

“He’ll never run around fast again like he used to…”

I sensed her puzzling over the two of us. Finally she got it. “He’s a good companion,” she affirmed.

***

Later, 7 p.m.

Winston seemed a bit more unsteady on his legs today, but I thought he could make it around the circle again. He couldn’t.

He collapsed in the street when we were almost home, and this time he couldn’t get up. He was willing to try dragging his butt along the pavement, but that didn’t seem like a good idea to me.

I left him near the curb, hurried back to our house to grab his harness, and enlisted the help of our neighbor’s friend, who happened to be out working in their garage. He used the harness to bring dear Winston home.

“I’d like to give you something to thank you,” I said.

“I wouldn’t think of it.”

The friend left us alone. Winston had a hangdog, resigned expression. After comforting him for a while, I took a walk on my own. I just had to. When I came home, I could hear Winston howling, really HOWLING from a high-pitched squeal that stretched into a low, bass moan.

I lay beside him on the floor, wondering what I should do if Winston could no longer walk around the house. Had he already reached that point? I thought maybe so, but then the doorbell rang and he clambered to his feet, barking.

It was our neighbor Wendy with her new baby. Wendy smiled at Winston. “That answers my question! I came over to see if Winston was able to walk.”

“I don’t think I can walk him around the circle again.”

“He’ll let you know,” she said confidently. She had just been through this with her dog Ro, who died in October. “Some days she couldn’t do it, and other days she could.”

One more good walk

Last week I vowed I wouldn’t walk Winston around the circle alone again -- but he seemed so much better today that I couldn’t resist giving it another try. It went well! He easily walked past the place where he collapsed on our last walk, and his feet were only a little worse for wear. I ordered dog booties for him from the vet yesterday, but until they arrive I’ll have to start putting band-aids on BOTH sides of his left hind foot now.

Winston protects me during medical exam

A nurse came to our house to give me a physical exam for a life insurance policy. Winston seemed to understand as she weighed me and drew blood -- Winston underwent the same procedures 2 days earlier at the vet’s office.

But when the nurse started pumping the cuff on my arm to read my blood pressure, Winston got alarmed. The vet never measures his blood pressure. Winston rushed over and sat protectively near me. I petted him while she tested my blood pressure. Maybe it contributed to me getting a healthy blood pressure reading.

Dog Passages

A must-see video for dog-lovers!

A friend urged me to check out this song, which is called “Dog Passages” by a singing group called “4 Friends: Who Are Vocal About It.” It talks about marking time by the dogs who have been in your life.

I deeply appreciate this beautiful, moving tribute to the dogs who bring such love and meaning to our lives. My Great Dane mix Winston is getting "long in the tooth," as the song says, and this video is helping me face my next “dog passage.”