A generation of dogs passes…

I’m mourning the death of an old dog down who passed away recently. He and my dear Winston were the same age, and when they were young, they loved to race around the park together at top speed. Now, 12 years later, there is only one dog left in the neighborhood from those days -- and he is so old that he can barely walk.

There are many new dogs in the neighborhood, including my own new dog and the wild young dogs who run with him. But I take this moment to remember the beloved dogs who have gone before.

Grief goes on, and so will this blog

After my latest grief meltdown, I realized that this blog must continue -- for me and for others. For others because I keep getting comments and emails from readers who say that this blog is really helping them face the end of their own dog’s life. I know from experience that there are very few places online that address the death of a beloved pet. I am honored that Winston’s story has value for them.

And this blog must continue for me because I will always love Winston. Grieving his death will be a lifelong process. I will never forget him for as long as I live, and there will be times when I will want and need to write about it.

I believe that his spirit lives on and visits sometimes, and our relationship continues to grow until we meet again at the place that some call the Rainbow Bridge and others call Dog Heaven.

Purebred Danes surprise me at shelter

This is one of the Great Danes who cheered me up at the shelter

I had an amazing experience in the animal shelter right after the Pet Loss Support Group meeting. I walked among the cages, visiting the dogs. I went there many times in the months after Winston died, always hoping to find another Great Dane or Dane mix. Nothing.

But this time I turned the last corner, expecting to see more Pit Bulls, and there stood two gorgeous two-year-old purebred Great Danes! One was a Harlequin female, and her mate was a mantle male. They had been turned in by their owner.

I fell in love with them and spent a long time looking at them and talking to them. I tried to imagine my new pup full-grown and as big as they were. The staff said that the Danes were “too much dog” for the owner, and that the owner couldn’t afford to feed them anymore. I longed to adopt the pair of them, and couldn’t imagine how anybody could give them up. Yes, I know it’s irrational, when I had my own half-grown Dane pup at home that I was struggling to handle. But that was my true feeling, and it renewed my spirit. I returned home with a heart full of love for my new pup, and new resolve to love him for exactly who HE is.

I found out from the staff that both Danes were already reserved for new homes, so they are having a happy ending, too.

Winston, I still miss you

I’ll always remember Winston like this

I couldn’t help thinking of my dear departed Great Dane mix Winston last week when I was lying next to my new Dane puppy in the hallway. Winston used to lie in that same spot. I really missed my old Winston. I wished I had spent more time just lying next to him and snuggling after he became paralyzed and incontinent, instead of wasting precious time and money on a fruitless search for a cure. I know so many things now that I didn’t know before my dog died.

These are things that I learned because Winston died: That every breath is precious. That for me, having a dog makes life worth living. That taking care of Winston in his last weeks was not preventing me from living my life -- it WAS my life, and after my dog was gone, there was nothing else that I wanted to do except get another dog. That there are support groups online and at the Humane Society to provide emotional support for people whose dogs are dying. That I am stronger than I knew.

I learned these things because my dog Winston died. I would have handled it differently if I knew then what I know now, but his death was the only way I could have learned these hard truths. They are Winston’s gift to me, and I believe that teaching me these truths was part of his life purpose.

I’ve also learned that his death would have been just as hard even if I had handled it differently. Everyone at the pet loss support group wishes they had made different choices, but those who did choose differently have just as many regrets. I know that Winston was ready to go, and that his spirit rejoiced when it was set free to soar to the stars.

As I was thinking all this, the wind blew through the trees -- a sound that used to terrify Winston until the day before he died, when he listened to the wind without fear for the first time. He seemed to sense that he could become the wind. Some music started playing from next door, and the lyrics seemed to echo from Winston to me, and back again. “I miss you, I love you…”

That day my new puppy and I bonded. After 2 months of seemingly endless bite-fights, we could finally lie down on the floor together and rest. I love my new puppy, and the personality differences between him and Winston help me appreciate Winston in new ways, too.

The new pup is a purebred who was raised like royalty. He had never set foot outside until he joined our family at 8 weeks old. He is comfortable in crates and on leashes. He retreats to another room to sleep when he is tired. He likes dogs better than most people, and assumes that humans will love him. He has never known want or neglect. He takes everything for granted -- sometimes to the point of seeming like a spoiled brat -- but on the other hand, he has no insecurities about his future. Of course, he is still a puppy, so he will grow in wisdom.

In contrast, Winston came to us as a one-year-old street dog who had been abandoned by previous owners. He loved people and tried to win over every person he met, almost always with great success. He always showed gratitude for his life with us. The flip side was that he never trusted completely that this was his forever home. He couldn’t bear to be alone, even if we were just in another room. He had phobias, including major fear of confinement. I still have emotional scars from seeing the terror and misery and sense of betrayal on his face the first time we put him in a kennel. His fears eased during his years with us, but his gratitude and eagerness to please remained.

There’s been an almost complete turnover in the dog population of our neighborhood. Almost all the dogs who filled Winston’s life with fun and adventure are dead and gone. Only three of his original buddies remain, and all of them are stiff, grouchy and grizzled with old age.

Winston’s best friend was a female Pit Bull who lived across the street. Now Winston and his Pit Bull buddy are both in Dog Heaven, but our new puppy just found a new dog friend living down the street -- a female Pit Bull, the same as Winston’s best friend. My spirits soared as I saw the two dogs chasing and wrestling each other, just like Winston used to do with his old best friend. I felt that their spirits rejoiced and raced with the two new friends, another Dane boy and Pit Bull girl. Life goes on.

Here is my letter to Winston today:

Winston, I will always love you. Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me so much. No other dog will ever be quite like you.

I wish you could meet our new puppy. I know that you would love him -- and teach him a few lessons in dog etiquette, too!

I will love other dogs in other ways, but no other dog can ever take your place in my heart. I will never forget the way you looked at me, grateful and eager to please -- until the very end.

A friend told me that dogs don’t live as long as humans because, if it were the other way around, dogs couldn’t bear the grief and loneliness. I know that in your case, that’s true. You and I are always together in spirit.

You have gone down a trail where I cannot yet follow, but someday our journey will come full circle. We are still connected, and our paths will cross again.

Colossal Dane-size dog crate

Midwest Metals Big Dog Crate

I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around the idea of a dog crate big enough for a new Great Dane puppy that we hope to get.

There’s one “Colossal” crate that’s big enough for a full-grown Dane. It’s 45 inches tall -- that’s almost 4 feet! The length is 54 inches -- almost five feet. It’s three feet wide.

I kept walking around our bedroom with a yardstick, trying to imagine this massive crate in our space. It blew my mind. I just could not imagine it.

Our previous Dane had curled up happily under a table by the bed, no problem. But he came to us when he was a year old -- housebroken and well past the chewing stage when a puppy can be a danger to himself.

They call it a crate, but it’s actually a CAGE made of wires. Dillon and I didn’t like the idea of a cage, even though it’s for the safely of the pup. When people said “crate,” I had visualized a plastic box with a wire door like our cat carrier. But the biggest of these plastic crates is only (!) three feet high. I read that a Dane can be 33 inches at the shoulder at just six months old.

The plastic crates look more comfortable for the dog. Who wants to lie against wires? And doggie “accidents” can spray right through the wires of the Colossal crate, while the plastic crate contains it.

We figured that we don’t need a crate big enough to hold our Dane when he’s full grown. We can keep him in the hallway if necessary, and we’d like him to have the run of the house.

Finally we called our favorite Great Dane breeder with our concerns. She said the 3-foot plastic crate is big enough if we just want to keep our puppy in a crate until he is housebroken and done teething. She estimated that to be age 4 to 6 months.

What a relief! These 3-foot-high crates are cheaper, easier to find, and will fit into the bedroom without rearranging ALL the furniture.

P.S. on Oct. 16, 2008

OK, OK, I was wrong and all of you whose comments told me to buy the colossal crate were right. We DID end up buying this exact same crate recently and it’s working well for our Dane puppy. He outgrew the three-foot-high crate about a month ago. He was almost 5 months old -- still in the midst of teething and not safe to have the run of the bedroom. Now at almost 6 months old, he likes this colossal crate better than the old plastic one -- not only because it’s bigger, but because it allows greater air circulation and he can see what what’s happening in the room around him.

It definitely was more work to set up than the plastic type of crate. I had to hire a handyman to help. He laughed when he read the instructions, which never call it a cage or even a crate, but instead refer to it as a “pet home.”

All jokes aside, my Great Dane puppy does seem to consider it a peaceful, relaxing home of his own.

Puppy’s personality can be tested

Now that we’re getting ready to buy a puppy, it’s important to be able to read a pup’s personality.

I was excited to hear about the Puppy Potential Evaluation -- a series of exercises that test a puppy’s personality, including confidence, submission/dominance, problem-solving, stress recovery, courage, prey drive, etc.

The most surprising quality tested is “forgiveness” -- seeing if the pup will still come when called after the tester has held it off the ground in a position of no control.

Hmm… I’m not sure if I would pass that test.

It would be useful to have simple tests like these in dealing with other humans. The Dating Potential Evaluation, maybe?

Dog group rescues Gentle Giants

Gentle Giants Rescue photo

We’ve been thinking about adopting a Great Dane from Gentle Giants Rescue and Adoption, a huge dog rescue operation in southern California.

They specialize in Giant breeds, especially Danes. In a surprising Hollywood twist, it’s run by Burt Ward, the actor who played Robin in the Batman TV series of the 1960s.

Their website features a delightful video that Dillon and I have watched many times. The best part is when “the herd” comes out to meet PBS reporter Huell Howser. He’s surrounded by dozens of huge, friendly dogs -- Danes, St. Bernards, Mastiffs, Great Pyranees, Newfoundlands, Borzois, in every shape and color. For me, it’s like an image of what heaven must be like. Click here to watch the video -- it’s a must-see.

Whenever I use Petfinder.com to look for Great Danes, almost all of the nearby ones are at Gentle Giants.

Some aspects of Gentle Giants are making us hesitate. Their fees are almost as high as buying a new Dane puppy. They have a lot more complicated rules than most dog adoption places and breeders.

There’s a whole big website called GentleGiantsNews.com that is “dedicated to discovering and exposing the truth about Gentle Giants Rescue.” Their testimonials from adopters are truly awful and the Wards sued them for defamation. I certainly don’t believe everything I read on the Net, but it does make me wonder why somebody set up such a site.

We might go check out Gentle Giants in person. Meeting “the herd” alone would be worth the trip. And we might find a new Gentle Giant to fill our hearts.

Healing vision: Two dogs

I had a breakthrough in healing my pet-loss grief. It seems like ever since my dog Winston died two and a half months ago, I have been overcome with longing for a new dog almost every night when I go to bed.

This time it was like I could feel a dog’s presence curled up beside the bed where Winston used to sleep. I tried to sense whether it was Winston or the new dog, the one that we hope to adopt soon.

Then the imaginary dog separated into two dogs. Winston stayed curled beside my bed, and the new dog moved outside and sat looking at me through the screen door.

For the first time I could separate my eagerness to get a new dog from my desire to be with my old dog Winston again. My overwhelming, insatiable longing for a dog became more manageable as I explored whether it was mostly about Winston or about the new dog. The most intense feelings were about Winston. But the new dog also evoked strong emotions.

I used to believe that the new dog would somehow be Winston in a new body. Now I feel that the new dog will be a stranger. And that’s OK. We will build a new relationship, have new adventures, and grow together in new ways.

I slept better with the image of the two dogs in my mind. For the first time since Winston died, I dreamed about dogs.

I’ll ALWAYS be Winston’s mom

Happy Days with me and Winston, summer 2006

Today I really miss my Great Dane mix Winston, who died in mid-February.

I felt sad at the thought that I am no longer a dog owner or, as people sometimes called me, “Winston’s mom.”

Then it hit me: I will ALWAYS be Winston’s mom. He was my Big Boy for almost 11 years until his death. Nothing can take that away from me. I am Winston’s mom forever!

Then I looked back at my photos of Winston -- both the good times (pictured above) and his last days when he was very, very sick. It actually helped to look at both periods. In my mind, I had forgotten how sick Winston was at the end, and so I started blaming myself for not keeping him alive longer. But in the photos I saw that look in his eye, the look that said he was ready to go… It gave me a sense of peace that I almost never feel anymore, not since Winston died.

Winston, I miss you! I remember all the fun we had together! I will always be your mom!

Backyard breeders vs. reputable breeders

I enjoy looking for Great Dane puppies online.

It’s hard to find a top-notch reputable breeder with puppies available. (One of the criteria of “reputable” is that they don’t breed all the time, but let their females rest between litters.) We’re going to go to an American Kennel Club (AKC)-approved dog show to try to meet some reputable Dane breeders.

Meanwhile, I do enjoy looking at the Dane puppies for sale now in my area through PennySaver.com. Some of these seem to come from “backyard breeders,” but they sure are cute!

In addition to breeding less frequently, the reputable breeders do various medical tests to screen against medical problems such as hip dysplasia. After Winston’s experience with hip dysplasia, I’m all for that! They also show their dogs regularly in competition, raise the puppies in a home environment, and do a lot of research to balance the pedigrees of father and mother dogs before mating. Reputable breeders take a lifetime interest in their dogs and will help with any problems that ever arise.

The opposite is the “backyard breeder.” There’s a lot of material on the web attacking the backyard breeders. Click here for an example. I can’t tell how much of it is exaggerated accusations from the “reputable” breeders. To hear them tell it, the backyard breeders mate their Danes carelessly and often with whatever Dane happens to be nearby -- even if they aren’t AKC registered -- causing untold health damage to the resulting pups.

Is it really that dangerous to breed outside the AKC-approved box? I don’t know. When I was growing up, we got a poodle from a backyard breeder, and she was fine. But that was in the Seventies, many doggie generations ago.

I feel a bit intimidated by the reputable breeders with all their rules. When Dillon and I met some Dane breeders at a dog show years ago, they were horrified by the very existence of our dog Winston -- living proof that a Harlequin Great Dane had been allowed to mate with a Labrador Retriever! However, his disreputable pedigree didn’t prevent him from being a fantastic companion. Perhaps a mixed breed has a better chance at good health than a careless mating of two purebred.

One thing’s for certain: There sure is a big price difference for the puppies, with “backyard breeders” may offer Dane pups for about $500, while some “reputable” ones may charge $1,200 and sometimes $4,000 for a dog with “show quality” coloring.

Labrador dog plays fetch

Here's a video of our Labrador Retriever Eleanor playing fetch.

Tennis ball connoisseur

My black Lab Eleanor is a great connoisseur of tennis balls. She loves to play fetch, but not just with any old ball.

She easily crushed the red Milk-Bone “toss and fetch” doggie balls that LOOK like tennis balls, but obviously aren’t as tough as the real thing.

It’s a good thing that my mom sent us some real tennis balls!

Dog bonding

Here's a photo of my new black Lab Eleanor kissing me shortly after we brought her home from the humane society. There have been many dog kisses since then!

We adopted a new dog!

Eleanor on her first day with us

Big news: We adopted a new dog! She’s a black Labrador Retriever and we named her Eleanor, or Ella for short.

She’s a friendly, intelligent, calm dog whose expression glows with a steady stream of love. She was a stray picked up by the Humane Society. She’s a wise old lady at age 9, based on the Humane Society estimate of her age. Her muzzle is starting to go grey, but she still seems full of life compared to what I’m used to with Winston. The vet thought she might be 6 years old and a purebred Lab. She weighs 77 pounds, exactly 2/3 of Winston’s peak weight of 115. She’s 23 inches tall at the shoulder, which is 6 inches shorter than Winston was.

Eleanor already knows all the basic commands, and is very obedient -- except about leaving the cat alone. The biggest challenge will be teaching her to get along with the kitty, but we’ve done it before. Eleanor goes nuts when she sees the cat, but Sapphire stays calm and actually seems glad to have a dog around again, as long as we enforce the rules against cat-chasing.

Above is a photo of Eleanor on her first day with us, which was Wednesday, April 2. Since then I’ve been so busy getting her settled (and working on taxes) that it’s my first chance to post the good news.

P.S. Perhaps I spoke too soon about the “very obedient” part. While I was typing this, she went into the bathroom and pulled the trash out of our waste basket!

Waiting list for a dog

We’re on the waiting list for a dog! She’s a friendly, intelligent, calm black Labrador Retriever whose expression glows with a steady stream of love. She’s a wise old lady at age 9. Her muzzle is starting to go grey, but she still seems full of life compared to what I’m used to with Winston.

She was a stray picked up by the humane society, and if nobody claims her in four days, we’re at the top of the waiting list to adopt her.

Dillon and I went to our pre-adoption interview, and the counselor quickly matched us up with the Lab. We were drawn to the loving look on her face as she wagged her tail and gently kissed us through the fence. We were especially impressed at how she watched each person who walked by, paying special attention to the staff people. She had obviously identified the staff, even though she had been there less than a day. She was far and away the best dog there for us.

People kept telling me that when I found the right dog, I would “know.” I doubted this, since I’ve been looking at hundreds of dogs in local shelters lately, and never felt that kind of connection. But today I did.

Well, we had imagined getting a male dog, and also a younger one. However, I did ask Winston’s spirit to help us find the right dog. I should have known that he would choose a black female. That was definitely his favorite “type” throughout his whole life.

I think that an older dog will be easier for me to handle with my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I feel a sense of peace about choosing this loving Lab.

We do know that it still may not work out. Later in the day I applied at a Labrador Retriever rescue group, too.

Great Dane hunt

I woke up and found two panicky messages on my answer machine: A Great Dane mix needed a home!

The dog’s owner had gone into drug rehab and a friend was desperately trying to find someone to adopt the dog. My vet had referred them to me.

Dillon and I got sucked into this drama. Our longing for a Great Dane mix like Winston overcame all our misgivings -- even after the man on the phone described the dog as equal parts Pit Bull, Boxer and Great Dane. He also warned us that the dog had been abused. We drove over to meet the dog that afternoon. At least it wasn’t far.

When we got near the dog’s temporary home, we saw a sign marked “Winston Street” with an arrow pointing the other way. It proved to be an omen.

There was nothing wrong with the dog, except that he was nothing like what we expected or wanted. He looked like a regular Pit Bull and Boxer mix to me, without an ounce of Great Dane. He was much smaller than Winston. What really bothered me is that he wouldn’t look at people and paid no attention to us. After giving him a short ride in the car, we dropped him off with our best wishes that he find a good home -- with somebody else.

It wasn’t a waste of time because it helped us figure out more about the process of getting a dog and the clarity we need to have. But it made me realize how vulnerable I am to choosing the wrong dog because I want a dog back in my life so badly. I suppose this is how people end up dating the wrong person “on the rebound” after a split-up.

And I am haunted by the way that Pit Bull mix wouldn’t look at us. From the moment we met, Winston did everything in his power to read and charm human beings, all human beings. Maybe that trait is rarer than I thought.

The whole incident reminded me again of how special it was that Winston came out of nowhere and adopted us. He was a stray who found us, like an angel sent from heaven. I still miss him so much. It’s hard to let go of searching for a dog that looks like Winston, or that somehow IS Winston.

I’m trying to focus on attracting the right new dog to me. Not reacting or searching, but knowing what I want -- a very friendly, loving dog -- and finding it.

I think it will help to go to a rescue organization where the counselors can steer me toward appropriate dogs based on their knowledge of many dogs and discussion with me and Dillon.

Flowers for Winston

I got a lovely surprise today when I looked outside at the spot in our lawn where Winston used to lay down and rest before he died. Three flowers are blooming there!

After he died last month that special patch of grass turned brown from constant drip of his urinary incontinence.

Now the grass is green again, and it’s the one place where flowers are blooming. Three golden dandelions stand out again the lawn. I see it as a tribute to Winston.

I’ve written stories about Winston’s adventures ever since we first adopted him. I thought that “The Story of Winston” would end when he died. But I find that it goes on.

Harlequin Great Dane in alligator pose

Sometimes our Harlequin Great Dane mix got into a position that we call “alligator pose.” He's flattened out like a gator.

I uploaded lots of Winston videos today. If you’d like to see them, click here to visit my YouTube video page.

Visiting the Pet Loss Support Group

Dillon and I went to a Pet Loss Support Group recently at our local humane society. We showed a calendar that I made with photos of Winston. The photos inspired the therapist leading the group to exclaim, “He’s your child!” I was surprised, but then again the photos did show all the love that we lavished on Winston, including taking him to see Santa Claus one Christmas. It hurt to think of my deceased dog as my child, but it did express the intensity of the loss.

Ten people were at the support group, all grieving their dead dogs and cats. Hearing their stories helped me and Dillon feel that we are not so alone, that others have experienced such loss. We all sat in a circle. Both Dillon and I sensed (or imagined) that each pet was sitting behind its owner in a larger outer circle.

For me it was especially useful to hear the other side of various issues. For example, some people kept torturing themselves by wondering they had resorted to euthanasia too soon, while others felt anguish because they had waited “too long” for euthanasia, making their pets suffer just because the owner wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It’s a no-win situation.

I also kept thinking that we could have eased our grief if we had adopted a second dog a few years ago. Then at least we would not be completely dog-less now, left alone without any canine companionship or protection. However, people with multiple dogs were still in tears, missing their particular dogs.

Some people pointed out that Dillon and I are lucky to have each other as we grieve. Most of those present were single or splitting up. It felt good to count my blessings, which are many. As they pointed out, we also still have our cat. Sapphire seems to be missing Winston, too.

Everyone had a different story as they told the circumstances of their pet’s death. It put an end to my thoughts that getting a dog without hip dysplasia might make the end easier. No matter what the cause of death, the dying process was hard. I actually found myself feeling fortunate over Winston’s relatively peaceful passing. One couple described how their dog was fatally injured in a gruesome dog mauling attack.

Toward the end, the therapist brought up getting another dog. Nobody was ready yet, and we heard stories about the difficulty bonding with a dog adopted too soon after a beloved dog died. However, Dillon and I do want to adopt another dog someday, and we were perhaps more ready than some.

The therapist concluded by reminding us that, no matter what, when all was said and done, we all loved our pets. It was the right thing to say.

Afterward many of us strolled through the kennels where dogs were available for adoption. Among them was Super Pup, the Beagle puppy that I had thought I wanted to adopt. I had gone crazy with desire for that pup a few days earlier when I found her on the Internet, but all it took was one glance to see that she was not the right dog for us.

“She’s so SMALL,” Dillon exclaimed in horror, as if smallness was a terrible deformity.

Yes, we do like big boys. We’re trying to keep open minds and open hearts about what kind of dog to adopt next. When we are ready, I trust that the right one will join our pack.

Dog kisses

Here's a new favorite photo of Winston kissing me.