Two years later

Winston by Trudie Barreras

My beloved dog Winston died two years ago today. I still miss him a lot.

I want to honor his memory by posting this new portrait of Winston by artist Trudie Barreras. It shows the steady, loving gaze that he had whenever he looked at me, starting from our first meeting.

I have a new dog now who looks somewhat like my Great Dane mix Winston, but his personality is so different that it makes me appreciate Winston all the more. The new dog is great in his own way, but Winston had a unique style of endless gratitude and love for all people. I think Winston would approve of the long walks that I take in the park every day with the new dog.

I’m grateful to Trudie for putting Winston’s spirit on paper. Trudie does pet portraits as "donation incentives" for animal rescue groups and other charities. The pastel drawings are done in size suitable for framing in 8 x 10 format. Anyone interested in inquiring in more detail about this project should contact Trudie at tbarreras@bellsouth.net or visit her website, http://www.schuylerart.com/pet-portraits.html

Forgiving myself... I took on his pain

Here's Winston a few months before the end...
the kitty in the background is still with us

It’s been a year and a half since my dog Winston died, and I’m almost ready to forgive myself for deciding to euthanize him. He was ready to go and met the objective criteria for euthanasia (couldn’t walk, incontinent, in pain, elderly, no hope of recovery, etc). But in retrospect it felt like I let him go too soon -- especially when I started going to “pet loss support” groups and chat rooms after his death, and discovered that they also provide emotional support for people who are nursing pets whose health is failing. With their support, I could have had more time with Winston!

It’s often said that when you forgive someone, you do it for your own benefit, not for the person being forgiven. But what about forgiving yourself? I can’t forgive myself for my own sake. I still feel like punishing myself for the worst decision of my entire life, the euthanasia decision.

However, I can begin to imagine forgiving my past self for the sake of those who depend on me now, including my new dog. We got him about a year ago. I can’t bond fully with my new dog while I am still stuck on Winston. It’s not fair to the new dog when I keep comparing him to Winston, forcing him to do the things Winston enjoyed, and generally feeling like I don’t deserve a dog anymore.

As much as I loved Winston, I didn’t fully appreciate him until after he died. I thought that all dogs were similar. But now I know that each one is absolutely unique. There will never be another dog like Winston. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I want to appreciate my new dog now, while he is alive and with me. And so I will try to forgive myself.

After writing the above, I took my grief to the chat room at PetLoss.com, and received these comforting words of wisdom from BooBoosMommy: “You did what was best for him, you took his pain away and took it on yourself.”

I saw the real Rainbow Bridge

I think of this as the Rainbow Bridge

I’ve seen the legendary “Rainbow Bridge,” where dogs are said to wait after death for their owners to join them. I was missing Winston a lot recently, so I tried to imagine him at the Rainbow Bridge. This time I could imagine it really clearly!

At first I was surprised at my power of imagination. Then I figured out that I was remembering an actual place. It’s a bridge leading to a beautiful dog park next to a river. I call it the River Park. Many people let their dogs run free there in the late afternoon. I go there every other day with my new dog, and he loves romping with the other dogs there.

The main entrance to the River Park is a bridge from the parking lot into the grassy park. I took Winston there a few times in his lifetime, and I’ve walked over that bridge countless times with my new dog, but I never connected it with the Rainbow Bridge until now.

I often think of the River Park as my vision of what heaven is like: dogs playing happily in nature as the river flows by. I always feel calm and happy there. It’s empty in the afternoon. At dusk the right people and dogs show up as if by magic. Sometimes a Great Blue Heron flies over and perches in a tree or walks elegantly on the grass. After sunset everyone goes their separate ways… until we meet again.

Recently I even saw an actual rainbow near the bridge, but I still didn’t think of it as the Rainbow Bridge where Winston’s spirit awaited me. Then it hit me.

I decided to tell Dillon. “I realized something. Remember the Rainbow Bridge?”

Bang! Suddenly, right when I said the words “Rainbow Bridge,” the power went out! Wow, what a statement from the spirit world!

Within a few minutes, the power blinked back on. No harm done, just confirmation of a powerful truth from the energy fields around us.

That afternoon when I look my new dog to the River Park, I thought of Winston as we crossed the Rainbow Bridge. And I found a lucky four-leaf clover in the grass there.

I took some photos of this special, healing place to share with people who visit this blog.

Click here for more info on the Rainbow Bridge.

Dog at the end of the Rainbow Bridge

Winston can’t be far away

Me and Winston... nothing can separate us

I am comforted by the thought that Winston’s spirit must be nearby. In life he used to follow me from room to room, never leaving me alone. Even when he couldn’t walk, he would drag himself around to follow me. Why would he be any different after death? That was part of the very essence of who he was.

My new dog is so independent that I sometimes feel rejected. It makes me appreciate Winston’s desire to be near me. Nothing, not even death, can keep Winston away. His spirit is still with me. Forever.

Winston wants me to go on

Winston kissing me... one of our last photos together

One idea has helped me move on now that my dog Winston is gone. It’s this: He would want me to keep going.

Winston would want me to keep walking on the park trails that we loved to walk together -- and even explore new trails with our new dog. He would want me to keep enjoying the scents of fresh grass and mustard flowers, the warm sunshine, the crunch of the earth beneath my feet, the songs of birds and crickets.

Winston never missed an opportunity to go for a walk. As long as he had breath, he enjoyed life. Nothing stopped him from living his life to the full, and he would not approve if I let my love for him stop me from living my life fully.

So I go on. It’s what Winston would want.

Winston calendar celebrates his life

I just finished putting together a 2009 calendar with the best photos of Winston -- and some other cute dogs and cats in my life (including Sapphire).

I did my first pet-photo calendar last year as a Christmas gift to family and friends… and as a way to honor Winston as his health was failing last December. The calendar was a big hit with everyone, so I’m doing it again. This year I'm also making it available for sale online. Check out the ad below.

Working on the calendar helps me continue processing my grief over Winston’s death, and to celebrate his life and remember the many good times we shared. Giving the calendar to people is also a joyful, personal way to connect with my “dog friends.”

Almost everyone who sees it wants to make one of their own and asks how I did it. Follow the Zazzle.com links for more info.

All dogs and cats in this calendar are real pets, photographed with their real companions, in or near their real homes. See cute puppies and kittens, dogs of all shapes and sizes… Great Danes, Lab, Dachshund, Beagle mix and more. Made with love.

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Moving on...?

I was waiting until I "got over" my dog Winston's death before I did some stuff... then this week I realized that I will NEVER get over it. So I might as well live my life as best I can without Winston by my side.

It's been close to 10 months since he "moved on."

My dog came back from heaven

We took the new Great Dane pup to an outdoor coffee shop where we used to take Winston. They happened to have a street fair, so we walked through it, having lots of fun as people petted and marveled over our new Great Dane puppy.

We stopped to listen to a live singer-guitarist, and she launched into “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLaughlin -- the very song that I played over and over in Winston’s last weeks, while he was dying…!

I will remember you.
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by.
Weep not for the memories.

It brought tears to my eyes as I felt Winston with us. But I knew that he wanted me to have fun, not cry because I still miss him.

Grief for old dog blinds me to new pup

My grief over Winston’s death has been blinding me to my new pup’s needs. After the pet loss support group, I had a breakthrough. A few days after processing my built-up Winston grief, it dawned on me that maybe the new pup can’t see well out of one eye. It explains a lot of his behavior quirks.

The realization that the pup may be visually impaired had a heartwarming effect on me. I finally feel that he does need me. And I also feel that he may have many other qualities that I have not yet noticed, unexpected gifts that will enrich our lives.

Chuck is back!

Sweet Dane mix is ready for a good home

Chuck is available again -- under the name Shaka. He’s a sweet Dane mix in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep.

I almost adopted Chuck last spring. I came across a new listing for him a few days ago when I was looking for the Dane photo in my last post.

Chuck stole my heart last spring and I wrote a post about him called “Great Dane mix Chuck charms us.” But he’s five years old, and we thought that we wanted a young dog. Somebody else adopted Chuck, and we adopted a purebred Great Dane puppy. But I often thought back to sweet old Chuck, and wondered what might have been.

He’s listed as a Dane-Dalmatian mix, but I think he’s a Dane-Collie mix, with very soft lamb-like fur and a slender Collie snout. He’s only 83 pounds, quite a bit smaller than a purebred Dane. He’s already neutered and seems perfectly healthy.

I went to see him again over the weekend. (I must be crazy!) He was scared at first, but he became his friendly self again when an attendant took him out of his kennel to meet me. “He’s an escape artist,” the attendant said. He explained that he had been picked up three more times by L.A. Animal Services, and his new owners relinquished him because “they got tired of bailing him out.” Visiting Chuck somehow helped ease my grief over Winston.

I would like to make sure that Chuck finds a home, and is not euthanized -- which is a real possibility. He’s in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep. If you’re interested, his ID# is A0939560, and you can call (888) 452-7381 for info.

Pet Loss Support Group helps

I resolved to go back to the pet loss support group at the local Humane Society after my recent grief meltdown. I needed it, even though I had never met anyone there who was still grieving a dog who died eight months earlier as Winston did.

I take that back -- the therapist who leads the group is still grieving for a dog who died several years ago. The therapist welcomed me back with open arms.

This time I cried at the support group as much as I did when Winston first died in February. I told them that I had spent the first few months focusing on (reviewing, sometimes regretting) my euthanasia decision, but now I am mostly remembering how special Winston was, and appreciating his good qualities. But when the therapist asked about my current feelings on euthanasia, I found that I still struggle with that, too. “I did the best I could at the time,” I mumbled.

It was especially helpful to hear the experiences of another woman who had lost a dog who sounded a lot like Winston -- naturally well behaved and socially adept. Her new dog was hard to manage like my new dog. This seems to be a pattern, because I also heard it at the online pet loss chat group.

The woman had gotten her new dog several years before the old dog died, but it was the same struggle that I have -- comparing the dogs, wondering why the second couldn’t be as good as the first. However, she was much further along in the process, so she was able to say that we owners contribute to the problem by comparing the dogs instead of accepting the new dog as is, the way we did with the first dog. Another pattern is that the spouse bonds more quickly with the second, “imperfect” dog. Maybe Winston only seems perfect to me because he was so attached to me, but he didn’t obey my partner as much. The dog’s beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It frees me to look at the new pup with fresh eyes and fall in love with his quirks as I did with Winston when we first met.

My next post will tell about an amazing experience that I had right after I left the support group.

Grief hits 8 months after dog died

Winston at his prime in 1999, when he was 3 years old

I had a meltdown last week, crying uncontrollably because I missed my dog Winston so much, about 8 months after he died.

The crisis was triggered by my new puppy’s misbehavior on a walk. We were walking past the house where one of his favorite dog-friend’s lives. At least, I was walking past. The pup stopped and refused to keep going. He’s a Great Dane puppy and at five months old he’s already too big for me to force him against his will if he gets really stubborn. I tried every recommended training technique, but in the end I’m sorry to report that I lost my temper and yelled at him. Naturally it didn’t do any good, just scared him. Somehow I managed to pull hard enough to get him moving again.

When we got home I started crying: “I’ll never have a friend like Winston to walk with me!” I couldn’t help thinking of how much better Winston acted on walks. Winston never refused to keep walking, and always had a grateful, upbeat attitude. I had been trying not to compare my new dog to Winston, but a flood of emotions overwhelmed me. I had to admit to myself that I have not gotten over the grief of Winston’s death. I even considered returning the new pup to his breeder because I couldn’t handle him.

That night I ended up going to the online chat group at PetLoss.com. The people there are lifesavers! I get especially great support from the “wolves” there -- regular participants with “wolf” in their nicknames. They come to help others while they themselves are still hurting from the loss of a beloved animal.

I went online to the pet loss chat group without resting as I should. And I stayed online for much longer than my body could handle. I ended up getting sick with tonsillitis. But I needed a place to process the grief, and they saved me from dangerously intense grief.

Some especially useful ideas from that night:

• ABSOLUTELY MOST USEFUL IDEA: When Princeton acts up, think about how I would have handled it if Winston did the same thing.

• After they die, our old dog sends us the new dog that they know will need us or will help us smile or that will comfort us. (So Winston picked out the wild new pup for me!)

• I’m not dishonoring Winston by loving the new pup. The old dog may even choose a new pup who is extremely different just so we won’t feel guilty for loving the new one in the same way.

• Sometimes we just have to blow off steam when the new dogs drive us nuts and then go back fresh the next day.

• “Those tears you still find glistening in your eyes for Winston are but a reflection of the love you share with him. The love for this new boy will shine in your eyes one day, but it will never replace that love for Winston.”

• “Amazing thing about a heart is that it will expand to capture all the love it can. You can love your lost baby to bits and yet also love a new baby that needs you.”

It’s been hard for me to see that the new pup needs me. He’s much more self-sufficient and independent than Winston. In addition, his breeder has a lifetime guarantee that if we ever can’t take care of him, we must return him to the breeder and she will make sure that he has a good home for the rest of his life. This is certainly a great lifetime protection for the pup, but it kind of has the reverse effect on me, making me question myself and wonder whether the pup would be better off with somebody else.

When the new pup acts up, it really helps to think, “What if Winston did this?” For example, when I was leash-training Winston, I used a long (25-foot) leash at first. With the new pup, I had always used the 6-foot leash. Now I use the long leash sometimes with the new pup, and he’s much happier on our walks.

The grief didn’t end there. I’m writing a series of posts about other steps I took to handle my grief explosion.

Great Dane mix Chuck charms us

Chuck, a cool Great Dane - Dalmatian mix

Dillon and I went to meet Chuck at the nearby city animal shelter just for fun recently. Chuck was billed as a “Great Dane/Dalmatian” mix -- and for once, the dog really did seem to be part Dane as promised. Although I thought he seemed more like a Harlequin Great Dane and Collie mix.

When I approached his kennel, Chuck stayed back in his doghouse until I called his name. He seemed pleasantly surprised by the enthusiasm in my voice and the fact that I had stopped just to see him. He came slowly to meet me with a sweet, gentle look in his eyes, very much like my dear departed Dane-Lab mix Winston. Chuck was very gentle, and not over-eager to get acquainted. After a few minutes, he offered me a small dog kiss through the fencing. Then he let me pet his ears. His fur was much softer than Winston’s! He felt like a lamb.

Chuck is 5 years old. Dillon wants to get a younger dog, so that we’ll have more healthy years together with our next dog. Chuck’s other downside is that he needs training. He didn’t even respond to “Sit!” Later I realized that he might have been trained in Spanish, since we live in a an area with many Spanish-speaking neighbors. I should have tried, “Sentado!”

It might not be easy to train a 90-pound older dog, but then again Chuck did seem eager to please. Perhaps the biggest drawback is that Dillon and I both have busy schedules this month, so we need to wait longer before bringing home a new dog. We want to see several Danes or Dane mixes before making a decision. Still, I really liked Chuck’s loving, gentle personality and his BIG presence.

I actually met the shelter worker who took the above photo of Chuck. He said he tried hard to take a good photo of Chuck because he’s such a good dog. I understand that somebody adopted him not long after our visit.

P.S. on Oct. 17, 2008
Chuck is available again -- under the name Shaka! He’s in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep. If you’re interested, his ID# is A0939560, and you can call (888) 452-7381 for info. I don’t think I can resist going back to see him.

Pet Loss support group eases the grief

I attended the Pet Loss Support group at our local Humane Society again this week. The group meets monthly and I was there once before (in March). All the people were different, but the stories and personality types were eerily similar. For example, both times there was a couple who had recently lost a pet in a violent tragedy.

The most valuable part for me this time was hearing all the different stories of how people handled their pet’s illness. I learned that no matter what approach was taken, the results were the same: The animal died and the owner(s) regretted how they handled the crisis, wondering if they should have made different choices.

In my case, I wondered if I should have tried harder to keep my dog alive when he was suffering. However, those who waited longer felt just as guilty, wondering if they had made their pet suffer needlessly by keeping them alive too long. I also wondered if I should have tried acupuncture or more pain medications. Those who used those methods were no happier with the results. The end is the same: The time comes when you must let your pet go.

The therapist pointed that reviewing (or agonizing over) our decisions is part of the grief process. It’s known as bargaining. Of course, I have heard about this before, but I understand more completely what is meant by “bargaining,” and how powerfully it can take over the mind and heart.

I’m a Postie now

I’m officially a Postie now -- a blogger who writes some posts for advertisers.

Don’t worry, I’ll still be posting the same good quality, original content about my dog and my cat. In fact, I’ll probably be posting MORE original content because there has to be at least one original post for every sponsored post.

I want to make money with my blog, so I signed up with payperpost. This is my first “sponsored post,” sponsored by PayPerPost.com.

Sponsored posts will be clearly labeled, so you’ll know that the content wasn’t purely my idea. I will try to relate all the content to dogs and cats, which looks like it will be a challenge since the “opportunities” offered to me at present relate to rap music, prepaid phone cards and computer games. Hey, my whole world seems to revolve around my dog and my cat, so now I can put that to good use.

I’m a professional journalist and author who has been paid to write for major publications in the past, so you might wonder why I’m choosing to be a mere Postie. The main reason is that I like the idea of getting paid to write from home on my own time schedule, without having to sell myself and my ideas to an editor. Another attraction is that I won’t have to talk on the phone at all. Phone calls tend to wear me out. I’m already blogging, so it should be easy to just add a few extra posts for some much-needed cash. I hope to make some new friends online in the “Postie community.”

I’ve actually been thinking about doing pay per post for a long time -- since I first read about it in the Los Angeles Times more than a year ago. “Blogging for dollars raises question of online ethics” ran in the LA Times on March 9, 2007. The article was critical of the practice, but I immediately thought getting paid to post was worth exploring. For an objective view, you can read about pay per post on Wikipedia.

It took me a long time to decide to leap into Postie world, but the sign-up process was easy. The money will help us pay for the various expenses associated with getting our new dog.

Video honors a truly Great Dane

I love this video memorial to a Harlequin Great Dane. I don’t personally know the people or dog involved, but still the video speaks to my heart and to the loss I feel over my dog Winston. He looked and acted a lot like Amira, the Dane in this video.

The video’s winter scene is one of my favorite parts. Living in LA, I never got to take Winston to snow country, but now I can picture him there… or romping in the white clouds of dog heaven.

The video includes Sarah McLaughlin’s haunting song, “I will remember you” and this famous poem (poet unknown):

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Amen to that!

Click here for more info on the poem.

Click here to visit the YouTube site for the video

Cesar's DVD tells how to get a new dog

Dog expert Cesar Millan’s new video “Your New Dog: First Day And Beyond” looks great! I want to get it for advice in my search for our next dog.

It’s the third volume in his “Mastering Leadership” series. It follows three families who adopt a dog from a rescue group, a shelter and a breeder. I’m still considering all these options, so his expert guidance is most welcome.

You can see a video preview at Cesar Millan’s website.

I first heard about it from a neighbor with a new dog. She recommended it highly.

Calling all Danes!

Chuck, a cool Great Dane - Dalmatian mix

Every day I search for Great Danes on Petfinder.com.

It’s a fantastic website for locating specific breeds available from nearby pet adoption groups. As I write this, they have 253,486 adoptable pets from 11,300 groups all over the U.S., Canada and Mexico.

There are usually about 25 Great Danes or Great Dane mixes in my area. Many look like they really are Danes, too -- not Pit Bulls who were labeled Danes by overzealous people trying to find them a home.

As I watch the ever-changing array of dogs, I wonder where they came from and where they are going. The time hasn’t come for me to meet my own special Dane yet, but I enjoy looking online at all these big dogs and wondering about their stories.

Above is Chuck, one of my current favorites from afar. He's billed as a Dane-Dalmatian mix. I’d like to help this big boy find a home. Click here for more info on Chuck and how to adopt him.

P.S. on Oct. 17, 2008:
Chuck is available again -- under the name Shaka. He was adopted back in April but now he’s in the Los Angeles North Central Animal Shelter, which is known for putting many unwanted dogs to sleep. If you’re interested, his ID# is A0939560, and you can call (888) 452-7381 for info.

Yawning dog

Here's one of my favorite photos. I caught my Labrador Retriever Eleanor in the act of yawning.

A strange twist of fate - dog custody battle

Our journey with Eleanor the black Labrador Retriever took a strange twist when her original owners returned from overseas and wanted her back very much, blaming their pet sitter for letting her escape while they were gone, and blaming the Humane Society for mishandling it when they first reported the dog missing. The Humane Society called us 8 days after the adoption and asked if we would return the dog.

We were the legal owners, but we thought that returning Eleanor was the right thing for the dog and for us. Now she is home with the family that had her since she was a puppy.

We’re going to take more time to get over losing Winston. Then we’ll look for a Great Dane -- one whose ownership is not in question. I hope to introduce our new Dane pup online later this year. Meanwhile, I’ll keep writing about the search for the New Dog.

The video above was made the day before we returned Eleanor, fondly known as Ella.

We feel grateful that a twist of fate brought Eleanor into our home to light up our lives for 10 unforgettable days.