Two years later

Winston by Trudie Barreras

My beloved dog Winston died two years ago today. I still miss him a lot.

I want to honor his memory by posting this new portrait of Winston by artist Trudie Barreras. It shows the steady, loving gaze that he had whenever he looked at me, starting from our first meeting.

I have a new dog now who looks somewhat like my Great Dane mix Winston, but his personality is so different that it makes me appreciate Winston all the more. The new dog is great in his own way, but Winston had a unique style of endless gratitude and love for all people. I think Winston would approve of the long walks that I take in the park every day with the new dog.

I’m grateful to Trudie for putting Winston’s spirit on paper. Trudie does pet portraits as "donation incentives" for animal rescue groups and other charities. The pastel drawings are done in size suitable for framing in 8 x 10 format. Anyone interested in inquiring in more detail about this project should contact Trudie at tbarreras@bellsouth.net or visit her website, http://www.schuylerart.com/pet-portraits.html

A generation of dogs passes…

I’m mourning the death of an old dog down who passed away recently. He and my dear Winston were the same age, and when they were young, they loved to race around the park together at top speed. Now, 12 years later, there is only one dog left in the neighborhood from those days -- and he is so old that he can barely walk.

There are many new dogs in the neighborhood, including my own new dog and the wild young dogs who run with him. But I take this moment to remember the beloved dogs who have gone before.

Forgiving myself... I took on his pain

Here's Winston a few months before the end...
the kitty in the background is still with us

It’s been a year and a half since my dog Winston died, and I’m almost ready to forgive myself for deciding to euthanize him. He was ready to go and met the objective criteria for euthanasia (couldn’t walk, incontinent, in pain, elderly, no hope of recovery, etc). But in retrospect it felt like I let him go too soon -- especially when I started going to “pet loss support” groups and chat rooms after his death, and discovered that they also provide emotional support for people who are nursing pets whose health is failing. With their support, I could have had more time with Winston!

It’s often said that when you forgive someone, you do it for your own benefit, not for the person being forgiven. But what about forgiving yourself? I can’t forgive myself for my own sake. I still feel like punishing myself for the worst decision of my entire life, the euthanasia decision.

However, I can begin to imagine forgiving my past self for the sake of those who depend on me now, including my new dog. We got him about a year ago. I can’t bond fully with my new dog while I am still stuck on Winston. It’s not fair to the new dog when I keep comparing him to Winston, forcing him to do the things Winston enjoyed, and generally feeling like I don’t deserve a dog anymore.

As much as I loved Winston, I didn’t fully appreciate him until after he died. I thought that all dogs were similar. But now I know that each one is absolutely unique. There will never be another dog like Winston. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I want to appreciate my new dog now, while he is alive and with me. And so I will try to forgive myself.

After writing the above, I took my grief to the chat room at PetLoss.com, and received these comforting words of wisdom from BooBoosMommy: “You did what was best for him, you took his pain away and took it on yourself.”

I saw the real Rainbow Bridge

I think of this as the Rainbow Bridge

I’ve seen the legendary “Rainbow Bridge,” where dogs are said to wait after death for their owners to join them. I was missing Winston a lot recently, so I tried to imagine him at the Rainbow Bridge. This time I could imagine it really clearly!

At first I was surprised at my power of imagination. Then I figured out that I was remembering an actual place. It’s a bridge leading to a beautiful dog park next to a river. I call it the River Park. Many people let their dogs run free there in the late afternoon. I go there every other day with my new dog, and he loves romping with the other dogs there.

The main entrance to the River Park is a bridge from the parking lot into the grassy park. I took Winston there a few times in his lifetime, and I’ve walked over that bridge countless times with my new dog, but I never connected it with the Rainbow Bridge until now.

I often think of the River Park as my vision of what heaven is like: dogs playing happily in nature as the river flows by. I always feel calm and happy there. It’s empty in the afternoon. At dusk the right people and dogs show up as if by magic. Sometimes a Great Blue Heron flies over and perches in a tree or walks elegantly on the grass. After sunset everyone goes their separate ways… until we meet again.

Recently I even saw an actual rainbow near the bridge, but I still didn’t think of it as the Rainbow Bridge where Winston’s spirit awaited me. Then it hit me.

I decided to tell Dillon. “I realized something. Remember the Rainbow Bridge?”

Bang! Suddenly, right when I said the words “Rainbow Bridge,” the power went out! Wow, what a statement from the spirit world!

Within a few minutes, the power blinked back on. No harm done, just confirmation of a powerful truth from the energy fields around us.

That afternoon when I look my new dog to the River Park, I thought of Winston as we crossed the Rainbow Bridge. And I found a lucky four-leaf clover in the grass there.

I took some photos of this special, healing place to share with people who visit this blog.

Click here for more info on the Rainbow Bridge.

Dog at the end of the Rainbow Bridge

Winston can’t be far away

Me and Winston... nothing can separate us

I am comforted by the thought that Winston’s spirit must be nearby. In life he used to follow me from room to room, never leaving me alone. Even when he couldn’t walk, he would drag himself around to follow me. Why would he be any different after death? That was part of the very essence of who he was.

My new dog is so independent that I sometimes feel rejected. It makes me appreciate Winston’s desire to be near me. Nothing, not even death, can keep Winston away. His spirit is still with me. Forever.

Winston wants me to go on

Winston kissing me... one of our last photos together

One idea has helped me move on now that my dog Winston is gone. It’s this: He would want me to keep going.

Winston would want me to keep walking on the park trails that we loved to walk together -- and even explore new trails with our new dog. He would want me to keep enjoying the scents of fresh grass and mustard flowers, the warm sunshine, the crunch of the earth beneath my feet, the songs of birds and crickets.

Winston never missed an opportunity to go for a walk. As long as he had breath, he enjoyed life. Nothing stopped him from living his life to the full, and he would not approve if I let my love for him stop me from living my life fully.

So I go on. It’s what Winston would want.

Winston calendar celebrates his life

I just finished putting together a 2009 calendar with the best photos of Winston -- and some other cute dogs and cats in my life (including Sapphire).

I did my first pet-photo calendar last year as a Christmas gift to family and friends… and as a way to honor Winston as his health was failing last December. The calendar was a big hit with everyone, so I’m doing it again. This year I'm also making it available for sale online. Check out the ad below.

Working on the calendar helps me continue processing my grief over Winston’s death, and to celebrate his life and remember the many good times we shared. Giving the calendar to people is also a joyful, personal way to connect with my “dog friends.”

Almost everyone who sees it wants to make one of their own and asks how I did it. Follow the Zazzle.com links for more info.

All dogs and cats in this calendar are real pets, photographed with their real companions, in or near their real homes. See cute puppies and kittens, dogs of all shapes and sizes… Great Danes, Lab, Dachshund, Beagle mix and more. Made with love.

make custom gifts at Zazzle