Here's Winston a few months before the end...the kitty in the background is still with us
It’s been a year and a half since my dog Winston died, and I’m almost ready to forgive myself for deciding to euthanize him. He was ready to go and met the objective criteria for euthanasia (couldn’t walk, incontinent, in pain, elderly, no hope of recovery, etc). But in retrospect it felt like I let him go too soon -- especially when I started going to “pet loss support” groups and chat rooms after his death, and discovered that they also provide emotional support for people who are nursing pets whose health is failing. With their support, I could have had more time with Winston!
It’s often said that when you forgive someone, you do it for your own benefit, not for the person being forgiven. But what about forgiving yourself? I can’t forgive myself for my own sake. I still feel like punishing myself for the worst decision of my entire life, the euthanasia decision.
However, I can begin to imagine forgiving my past self for the sake of those who depend on me now, including my new dog. We got him about a year ago. I can’t bond fully with my new dog while I am still stuck on Winston. It’s not fair to the new dog when I keep comparing him to Winston, forcing him to do the things Winston enjoyed, and generally feeling like I don’t deserve a dog anymore.
As much as I loved Winston, I didn’t fully appreciate him until after he died. I thought that all dogs were similar. But now I know that each one is absolutely unique. There will never be another dog like Winston. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I want to appreciate my new dog now, while he is alive and with me. And so I will try to forgive myself.
After writing the above, I took my grief to the chat room at PetLoss.com, and received these comforting words of wisdom from BooBoosMommy: “You did what was best for him, you took his pain away and took it on yourself.”
2 comments:
Please DO forgive yourself. In your heart, you knew it was time and I am sure Winston let you know in his own way. The joy and unconditional love that goes with caring for a dog is as deep as the burden we all ultimately have to carry by deciding when to say goodbye. I know your heart is heavy, and it is hard to move on, but you have to heal. You know Winston would want you to forgive yourself...so it's time for you to forgive youself too.
Thanks, Keith, for your encouraging comment. I printed it out and look at it regularly. I am making progress on forgiving myself, but sometimes the sorrow and self-blame flare up again. That’s when it helps to remember the support I received from you and others.
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